Akatsuki Bloopers!
by Just a Mutt
Summary: Just a bunch of random scenes with the Akatsuki and, erm... other people too, I guess. Warning : Author is clinically insane. Chapter 26 is up and the rating might change to M.
1. Fun with Sharks

I just like to write random stuff in my free time. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto OR The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. HAPPY!?

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"What are you doing with Samehada?" Itachi asked, looking at Kisame. They were all in the common room. All meaning the whole Akatsuki.

Sasori was banging his head against the wall, Deidara was punching the chair he was sitting on, Kakuzu was sitting in a pile of money, Hidan was contemplating making Tobi another sacrifice, Tobi was talking to Zetsu about how he was a 'good boy', Konan was making origami swans, Pein was reading a book, Itachi was sitting there, glaring at the world for all he was worth, and Kisame was cutting cheese with Samehada.

"I'm hungry!" He replied, cutting another small chunk off and popping it into his mouth.

This made Tobi curious. "Kisame-san? How many rows of teeth do you have?" He asked, staring at Kisame.

"Just 'cause I'm blue and have gills makes you think I have more than one row of teeth?!" Tobi nodded happily. Kisame sighed, "Three."

Tobi turned his attention eleswhere. "Leader-sama?"

"Yes, Tobi?"

"What are you reading?"

"The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn."

"Nani? Huckleberry Finn?"

"Yes."

"Kisame-san, are you related to this 'Huckleberry Finn?"

"Damnit all! Stop making cracks about sharks!"

"Gomennasai! Umm.. Kisame-san?"

"WHAT?"

"Do you have a fin?"

"RAWR!!!"

* * *

Nara : Yeah, I know. That one was a bit pathetic. I was bored though, and still hyper off of Halloween candy! Yes, me and my friends still go trick-or-treating. But our costumes are so scary, we make little kids cry when they see us on the street. Anyway, sorry for the bad chapter.

Tobi : Tobi doesn't think it was so bad.

Kisame : That's because she didn't let me run you through with Samehada!

Sasori : Why am I banging my head against the wall?

Nara : It was either that or swallowing viles of poison. Next time I'll ask you.

Deidara : Why am I punching my chair?

Nara : Because your hand-mouths were being bad boys.

Tobi : Tobi's a good boy!

Itachi : If you're such a good boy then why did we find bloody rabbit corpses in your room?

Tobi : ... Tobi gets hungry sometimes.

Nara : Okaaay then... That's enough of that! Bai Bai!

Konan : Who wants an origami swan?

Nara : I SAID BAI BAI, DAMNIT!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	2. Rapist Snakes?

The second chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers! 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Oi! Itachi-sama!" Kisame called, walking into the common room. Again, everyone was there.

"Yes?"

"I was thinking."

"What a shocker." Hidan said sarcastically.

"Orochimaru left right after he talked to you." Kisame said, remembering how Orochimaru had rushed out of the room, fuming, as Kisame walked in.

"That is correct." Itachi replied.

"What did you two talk about?" Kisame asked.

"Tell us, un!" Deidara said , sitting up on the couch.

"He...date..."

"Don't mumble!" Konan said, pausing in her origami work.

"He asked me out on a date..." Itachi grumbled.

Zetsu clamped his hands over Tobi's ears. "Is that all he asked?"

"He asked..."

"STOP MUMBLING!" Pein yelled.

"Fine! He asked if I wanted to 'have fun in his room'!"

"Ewwww!" Tobi screamed.

"How the fuck did he hear?" Hidan screamed.

"TOBI COULDN'T HEAR! TOBI CAN READ LIPS!!! SNAKE-MAN WANTED TO RAPE RED-EYES!" Tobi started screaming.

"Great! Just great!" Pein yelled over the commotion. "Now he's going to be talking about rapist snakes for months!"

"Well he _was_ a rapist snake." Kakuzu pointed out.

Tobi's screaming got louder. "NOT HELPING!" Kisame yelled.

Sasori sighed, and walked over to Tobi. "Tobi, if I give you a lollipop, will you go and eat it in your room quietly?" Sasori asked.

Tobi immediately stopped screaming. "What flavor?"

"Bloody rabbit guts, your favorite."

"Yay!" Tobi screamed, and took the lollipop from Sasori's hand. He rushed up the stairs and shut the door rather loudly.

"Where the hell did you learn to do that?" Kisame asked, stunned.

"We found bloody rabbit corpses in his room, so I assumed he liked the taste. It took me a while, but I finally found a candy with that flavor."

"Where, un?" Deidara asked.

"..."

* * *

Nara : Yeah, I know. That one was even worse. I SWEAR TOBI, IF YOU GET RABBIT BLOOD ON MY COUCH ONE MORE TIME-

Tobi : Hai, Nara-dono!

Nara : Neeeh? Dono?

Itachi : It means-

Nara : I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!

Tobi : ...Tobi's hungry.

Zetsu : I'm not giving you any more rabbits! You get blood all over our bed!

Deidara : Eh? 'Our'?

Kisame : Tobi's afraid of the dark.

Konan : DAMNIT ALL!

Pein : What?

Konan : I GOT A PAPER-CUT!

Sasori : But... How?

Nara : Fucked if I know. Hey... I just realized something... You know how Itachi means 'weasel'?

All : Yeah.

Nara : THE ADVENTURES OF SHARK-MAN AND WEASEL-BOY!

Itachi : (Whispers to Kisame.) How did they find out?

Kisame : (Whispers back.) I don't know.

Nara : Well, that's all for now folks!

Tobi : Nara-dono? Do you think Tobi's a good boy?

Nara : How many times have I told you? If you were really a good boy, you would stop eating rabbits.

Nara's usagi minions : YEAH!

Nara : Shut up.

Nara's usagi minions : Sorry!

Tobi : Oooh... (Drools.) Bunnies...

Nara : GET AWAY FROM THEM! Bai bai for now!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	3. Contacts!

The third chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers! 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Itachi... What the hell are you doing?" Kisame peered into Itachi's room. The Uchiha was wearing glasses and dissecting a rabbit.

"What does it appear I am doing?" Itachi asked, not looking up from his work.

"But why are you doing it?" Kisame asked, walking into the room.

"To see if it ate my contacts."

Kisame gaped.

* * *

Nara : Yes, I know. It was short. Bite me.

Itachi : I do not wear contacts! (Something falls out of his eye and lands on the ground.)

Nara : You sure?

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	4. Venus Flytrap!

Here's the fourth chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers! Oh, and by the way, for any of you that didn't know; 'usagi' translates in rabbit or hare.

Oh, and... AKATSUKI KEASHI!! DUN CALL ME HINATA IN THE REVIEWS!!! YOU CAN ONLY CALL ME THAT OUTSIDE OF THE E-WORLD... Besides... I'M NOT LIKE HINATA AT ALL!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Zetsu-san?" Tobi was in front of the bed, watching something about little midgets in one-piece constumes with televisions in their chest.

Zetsu grunted to show he was listening.

"How many times a day do you water yourself?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're a plant, right?"

"Well, technically, yeah."

"Then how many times a day do you water yourself?"

"I'm not like a regular plant. I'm like a venus flytrap. I eat living objects."

"Nani? What do you eat then?"

"The same thing you do."

"Live rabbits?"

"Sure... Let's go with that."

Tobi bit another chunk out of the rabbit he was holding. It shrieked, shuddered for a few seconds, and was still. "Want some?"

* * *

Nara : Yes, I know. This one is a bit short, and not as funny. I JUST STARTED WRITING HUMOR YESTERDAY!

Tobi : Ooh! It's okay, Nara-dono! Would you like some rabbit?

Usagi : SPARE ME! PLEASE, MERCIFUL BUNNY-RULER, SPARE MEEE!

Nara : Nah, I'm good for now.

Zetsu : (Whispers to Nara.) Good call.

Nara : Bai bai for now, everyone!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	5. Birthmarks

Here's the fifth chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers! This is my longest chapter so far in the series. Enjoy! 

...Or else...

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"I have an idea." The Akatsuki was once again in the common room, bored. You'd think a group of S-classed criminals could find a better way to waste their time? "Let's show off our birthmarks!" Pein yelled.

"I don't wanna..." Deidara grumbled.

"Ehem... I SAID let's show off our birthmarks."

"Yes, Leader-sama!" The Akatsuki returned.

They drew straws. Itachi started. "Here." He said, pulling down the collar on his robe. There was a small swirly pattern on the base of his neck.

"Itachi-san? Does Sasuke-kun have a birthmark?" Tobi asked.

"Yes, there's a cat-shaped one on his left butt cheek." Itachi replied. Tobi gaped and Pein shifted in his seat nervously.

"So precise... How's you find it?" Hidan asked.

"Well, when we were little, I-"

"Nevermind, I don't want to know." Hidan interrupted.

Kisame was next. He took his shirt off and turned around, revealing a small line of dark blue flesh running down the center of his back. "There it is."

"Kisame-san? Is that where they amputated your dorsal fin?" Tobi asked.

"WHY, YOU LITTLE-"

"Here's mine!" Deidara said, taking off his shirt. There was a small line running across his chest.

"Deidara-sempai? Is that another mouth?"

"No! I only have three!"

"Only?" Kisame asked, amazed.

"Meeee!" Hidan started to push down his pants.

"Not now, Hidan." Kakuzu sighed.

"Why not?"

Kakuzu pointed to Tobi, who was busy poking the edges of Zetsu's flytrap, amused to see it shut then open.

"Me next..." Kakuzu sighed, shoving his sleeve up. There was a small mark that, if you looked closely, vaguely resembled the words 'I love money!!!'

"Kakuzu-san! Tattoos are bad!" Tobi scolded.

"It isn't a tattoo..."

"I don't have one." Sasori said, when all eyes turned to him.

"Sasori-san? Why not?"

"Well, when I used the jutsu that turned my body into a puppet, I didn't keep my torso. But I did keep my pe-"

"I really don't want to know." Itachi interrupted.

Zetsu sighed. "I was born black and white." He said.

"And green! Don't forget green, Zetsu-san!" Tobi yelled.

"... What's yours, Tobi?"

"It's on Tobi's face! But Tobi's mask is in the way!"

"Then take it off." Kisame volunteered.

"NEVER!" Tobi shot out in a deep, scratchy voice.

Deidara jumped into Sasori's arms. "Danna! He's possessed, un!"

"What do you mean? Tobi's just fine!" Tobi said, smiling and sitting on the couch happily.

"Here's mine!" Konan said, pushing her shirt up a bit, and turning around. There was a small rose-shaped mark on her lower back. "Your turn!" Konan said to Pein. All eyes locked on him.

His eyes widened, not realizing that he had to show his own birthmark. He silently stood up, turned around, and dropped his pants. There was a small cat-shaped mark on his left butt cheek.

"Just like Sasuke-kun!" Tobi remarked.

* * *

Nara : YES, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I KNOW!!! It wasn't as funny as I meant for it to be, but it was longer than my other ones.

Sasori : You're being pessimistic.

Tobi : Is that when you have trouble peeing?

Sasori : (Sighs angrily.) Well, pessimistic is, for example, when you see a glass on the table. Pessimists think it's half empty; optimists think it's half full.

Tobi : Do they have trouble peeing because of what's in the glass?

Sasori : (Goes into his own conversation about pessimists with Tobi.)

Nara : Hey Itachi... I need to borrow some black nail polish.

Itachi : I don't have any.

Nara : You're wearing it right now!

Itachi : This is dark purple.

Kisame : Is there a difference?

Itachi : Yes... (Goes into his own conversation about nail polish colors with Kisame.)

Nara : Hey Deidara, what's your favorite color?

Deidara : Green.

Zetsu : So is mine! (Goes into his own conversation about how green is the greatest color of all time with Deidara.)

Nara : Hey Konan... Can you make me an origami duck?

Konan : It's a swan.

Hidan : Duck.

Konan : Swan. (Goes off into her own conversation about the differences between ducks and swans with Hidan.)

Nara : Ka- (Looks over to where Kakuzu is talking to Pein about his cat-shaped birthmark.) Everyone's busy... WELL, BAI BAI FOR NOW!!!!

Akatsuki and Sasuke : Bai Bai!

Sasuke : Wait... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING HE-

Nara : (Gags and ropes Sasuke, and drags him away.)

Itachi : What are you doing?

Nara : Nothing that concerns you... (Gets out favorite dissecting knife.)

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't see me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	6. Uchihacest?

Well, here's the next chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers! 

Neh, no actual M-rated stuff despite the title (Uchiha-cest...?).

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Harder, Tobi!"

"But Tobi doesn't want to hurt Itachi-san!"

"It'll never open up if you don't press harder!"

"But Tobi's a good boy! Tobi can't hurt Itachi-san!"

"Just DO IT!"

Kisame had heard enough, and burst into the room, leaving Pein and Deidara to watch in the hallway.

"I thought we had something special, Itachi!" He sobbed, and ran out.

"No, Kisame! It's not what it sounds like!" Itachi screamed, running after him.

"What's wrong with Kisame-san, Deidara-sempai?" Tobi asked, putting the earring on the counter. "Tobi was just helping Itachi-san with his ear."

"He thought you two were getting it on." Pein said with a grin.

"Nani? Getting it on?" Tobi asked again.

"Oh.. Nothing, un." Deidara laughed, walking away to see what had become of the scene.

Tobi picked up the rabbit, gagged and tied, that was lying in absolute horror on the bed. "Leader-sama? Would you like some rabbit?" Tobi asked, offering the rabbit, eyes bulging, to Pein.

"Sure." He said, taking the rabbit and biting a little chunk out of the neck. It made a seisure-like movement, and was still. Tobi took another bunny out of his pocket, and started munching on the stomach.

"You have a fine taste in rabbits."

"Domo arigato, Leader-sama! I feed them a special recipe."

"What is it?"

"HBP."

* * *

Nara : Yeah, yeah... I know... Bite me... Anyway, this was based on a real-life story... I was at my friend-who-happens-to-be-a-guy's house, and he was helping me get an earring in. (My ears had partially closed up, and is currently closed up all the way.) I happened to forget to say the word 'earring' and, apparently, his girlfriend had just arrived at the house, and was listening at the door. (Yawn.) She started yelling about how she had such an 'Ungateful, cheating, bastard' of a boyfriend. We calmly explained what had happened, and we all laughed about it... Two hours later when she finally stopped screaming... (Yawns some more.)

Tobi : Nara-dono seems tired!

Itachi : Kisame! Tobi was just trying to help me get an earring in!

Kisame : Promise that was all that it was?

Itachi : Promise! (Itachi and Kisame go off in a corner to make-out.)

Nara : Yes, I am, Tobi.

Tobi : Why?

Nara : Because I just got you the ingrediants for the bunny-chow. The human body pa - I mean... HBP are right here. (Motions to bag seeping in blood a few feet away.)

Tobi : YAY!!!!

Deidara : HBP, HBP, HBP... I still can't figure it out, un!

Nara : Baka...

Sasori : MY baka.

Nara's usagi minions : Nara-dono! We get some, EHEM, HBP too?

Nara : Of course!

Nara's usagi minions : Domo arigato gozaimasu!

Nara : Your welcome. BAI BAI for now!

Deidara : What the hell is HBP?

Nara : (Whispers in ear.)

Deidara : OH MY GOD!!

Nara : BAI BAI!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	7. Family BAD!

Here's the next chapter of... 

(SCARY MUSIC INTERLUDE)

AKATSUKI BLOOOOOOOOPERS!!!!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

They, again, were, again, all, again, in the Akatsuki common room. Again.

"Let's talk about our families!" Pein said, jumping up.

"The last time you suggested something; we had to see your ass." Konan said, trying to go back to sleep.

Kisame looked up from under his latest edition of Icha Icha Paradise. "I threw up for nearly an hour."

Itachi looked up from the slightly less perverted edition of Icha Icha Paradise that he was reading. "I cleaned it up."

Hidan sat up. "I killed myself."

Kakuzu looked up from counting his money. "I helped."

Sasori took his head away from the wall long enough to say, "I died a bit inside."

Deidara looked up from painting his nails. "I downed viles of Sasori's poison."

Zetsu stopped watering himself for a few moments. "I ate three tubs of chocolate ice cream."

Tobi took another chunk out out of his rabbit. "Tobi thought it was kind of cute."

"Ehem... I SAID, let's talk about our families." Pein said in a slightly more commanding tone.

"Fine..." The Akatsuki returned, getting out their kunai.

"And no mass-suicides!" The Akatsuki sighed and put their kunai away.

Itachi was first... Again. "I killed my clan, but I have a little brother. He's a 15-year-old nutjob. Oh, and he rapes snakes that he summons."

"How did Itachi-san figure that out?" Tobi asked innocently.

"He sent me an envelope with a video of him raping Manda in it." Itachi replied, shuddering.

Kisame was next. "When I was a little boy, the village rejected me 'cause I was blue, and when I was 17, my parents kicked me out of the house 'cause they thought I was a freak." Kisame said, brekaing down onto Itachi's shoulder.

"Kisame... You're heavy..."

"You _are_ a freak." Sasori said, taking his cracked forehead from the wall, and putting ducktape over it. "My parents are dead... My grandmother's a bitch... And that's about all I know."

Deidara spoke up. "I'm just like you, Kisame! I was rejected 'cause of these hands, un! And my cousin Ino and her family didn't even let me in Konoha!" Deidara said, bursting into tears. Sasori took a seat on the couch next to him, and put his arm around him. "Shh.. It's okay..."

Zetsu's turn. "My mother was an oreo. My father was a venus flytrap. Do the math."

"Is this why Zetsu-san is cranky when people make oreo jokes?"

"More or less."

Hidan and Kakuzu just glared when it came to be their turns. Konan started speaking. "Well, I was orphaned, and then some perverted frog-guy name Jira, or Moki, or something like that trained me. Then me and Naga-I mean Pein, just came here and started the Akatuski."

"I was also abandoned." Pein said, crying into Konan's shoulder.

"This was your idea..." Konan said, patting him on the back.

"When Tobi was young, he got into an accident. That's why Tobi now has cravings for raw rabbits! Tobi got sad that his parents didn't love him, so he came here to be with his family!" Tobi said, jumping up.

"Family?"

"FAMILY, DAMN IT! DID YOU NOT HEAR A WORD OF WHAT I JUST SAID, OR WHAT?!" Tobi shot out in a dark, menacing voice. He took another bite out of his rabbit, and sat back down on the couch calmly.

"Sasori-danna..." Deidara said, clutching onto Sasori for dear life. "I'm scared..." Sasori clutched onto Deidara, too. "Me, too Dei-chan..."

A manic scream, and then they all fled.

For the next few days, Tobi was confused that the whole of the Akatsuki would hide in corners whenever he came around.

Itachi, for one, was ashamed that he had screamed.

* * *

Nara : Yeah, this chapter was kinda pathetic... I was depressed...

Tobi : Nara-dono! That's what pills are for!

Nara : What the hell?

Itachi : I think Kisame fell asleep on my shoulder."

Kisame : (Mutters in sleep.) No, daddy... I didn't eat that kid that was skinny-dipping... I don't even know how to swim... I swear, I don't even like naked people! No, daddy! No... Put the chainsaw down... No... Please, mommy! Put the knife away... Sissy? What are you doing with that cement block and those chains?

Hidan : (Prays.)

Kakuzu : (Counts cash.)

Konan : Crybaby...

Pein : Not a baby! I'm not even crying!

Konan : Then what are those?

Pein : Happy thoughts escaping my soul.

Konan : That's what you said last time.

Nara : BAI BAI FOR NOW!

Pein : Not crying!

Nara : YOU'RE CRYING DAMN IT! KAKUZU, PUT THE DAMN MONEY DOWN! HIDAN, SHUT THE FUCK UP! KISAME, WAKE UP! ITACHI, SEND THAT VIDEO I MADE OF JIRAIYA RAPING GAMABUNTA TO OROCHIMARU AND SASUKE!

Konan : Oh! His name was Jiraiya!

Nara : BAI BAI, DAMN IT ALL!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	8. Psychic

Here's the latest chapter of Akatsuki... 

(Dramatic Silence)

BLOOPERS!

Sorry for the delay, I was feeling the urge to write something serious... Had to get over that.

I was going to make a Wizard of Oz parady, but I didn't feel like it.

BITE ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Tobi! How many times have I told you not to tap the glass?!" Kisame yelled at him. They were in Kisame's personal aquarium. 'They' meaning the whole of the Akatsuki. They were bored, and decided to take a tour of Kisame's aquarium.

Zetsu was up against the walls, muttering something about sushi. "I swear... You eat one of my friends and I'll run you through!" Kisame yelled again. "Why can't you just think about eating vegetables or something? Not sushi!"

"VEGETABLES?! THAT'S CANNIBLISM!!" Zetsu shrieked.

"What about oreo's?" Tobi asked innocently.

"OH? NOW JOKES ABOUT MY MOTHER?!"

"Relax." Itachi said. Something fell out of his eye and onto the floor.

"DAMN IT ALL!!! WHERE'S MY FUCKING CONTACT?!" Itachi screamed, groping around on the floor.

"Itachi-san? Do those contacts change your eye color? Right now they look blue." Tobi observed Itachi's one obsidian eye, and his other baby-blue eye.

"Look, for some reason my eyes aren't black like my family's, okay?! The village children used to make fun of me about it, so I got contacts!" Itachi said, a tear falling down his face.

"Shhh... It's okay..." Kisame said, hugging him.

Deidara's head popped up out of the small-predators tank. "What's wrong with having blue eyes?"

"How did you hear?" Sasori asked, amazed.

"I'm psychic."

"That doesn't explain why you can-"

"Yes it does."

"No, it-

"Yes it does."

"That's crazy! Of course it-"

Deidara pressed a button on the wall, and Sasori fell through a trapdoor.

"How did you know that was there?" Kisame asked.

"I'm psychic."

Kisame walked on. Suddenly, he heard crunching. "If any of you are eating my fish, I'll-" He turned. They all had bunnies in their hands, and Tobi was eating one.

"Tobi doesn't like fish. Tobi likes bunnies."

"Tobi's going to get his ass kicked if Tobi gets blood on Kisame's nice clean floor." Kisame responded.

"Holy Jashin... These are good, Tobi!" Hidan said, taking a bite out of his rabbit.

"Cheap too..." Kakuzu muttered, taking another bite out of his. Konan and Pein were chewing theirs quietly in their own little world a few feet behind the others. Zetsu was eating one, and Deidara, still wet and in swimming trunks, was eating one. Even Itachi was eating one, contact finally put back in place.

"You guys scare me..." Kisame said, walking a few steps, and pressing a button. The floor opened up under all of them, and closed up again.

"Ha... Deidara didn't know about that one!" Kisame said triumphantly.

He heard a muffled yell from below. "Oh, yes I did!"

* * *

Nara : Okies, I was bored... And Kisame having his own little aquarium was irresistible to me. I'm thinking of making another chapter with Kisame and his aquarium... You know, come to think of it... Itachi and Kisame are my favorite characters in Naruto. I think I like Kisame more, though.

Kisame : Arigatou!

Itachi : I see how it is... (Cries.)

Tobi : Itachi-san! You can't cry in front of Sasuke-kun!

Sasuke : Shut up Tobi! He doesn't know I'm here!

Nara : SO THAT'S WHERE YOU ESCAPED TO! (Binds and gags.)

Sasuke : Mmph! Mmmph!! MMMMMPH!!!

Nara : I'm sorry, you'll have to say that louder. (Smiles evily. Sasuke starts crying.)

Pein : Don't cry! Every tear is a happy thought escaping your soul!

Kakuzu : Why didn't you get worried when Itachi started crying?

Pein : He doesn't have happy thoughts.

Nara : That explains a lot of things... (Drags Sasuke away.)

Hidan : Where the fuck is she going?

Kisame : Fucked if I know.

Tobi : Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Kakuzu : HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TWO, TO NOT USE THAT WORD AROUND TOBI?!?!?

Kisame : 42 and a half.

Konan : And a half?

Kisame : YOU HEARD ME!

Konan : Hey, Nara's not here to say the 'BAI BAI' thing... (Akatsuki draws straws.)

Tobi : BAI BAI FOR NOW!!! REMEMBER TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, EAT VEGETABLES, BE GOOD BOYS, AND GET YOUR DAILY DOSAGE OF RABBIT! Uh-oh... Nara-dono isn't here to write her signature... Here's mine!

Tobi's a good boy.  
Why?  
Because Tobi is better than you.  
In all aspects of life.  
TOBI IS ALMIGHTY!!!


	9. Bedtime Story!

Okay here's the next chapter of AKATSUKI BLOOOOOOOOOOOPERS!!! 

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, but my friend Sumi (Angel of Mists) is making me read and do commentary on her stories.

I'm also starting another series KINDA like this, 'cept this one is comedy, the one in progress is drama.

Well, let's get on with this!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Sharky-san?" Tobi had taken to calling Kisame, Sharky-san.

Kiasme growled and opened the door, only to find Tobi in akatsuki-print pajamas. He was still wearing his mask, though. "IT'S MIDNIGHT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?!

"A bedtime story."

"WHY DIDN'T ZETSU READ YOU ONE?!"

"Zetsu tried to eat one of my favorite rabbit breeds. Tobi took him to the infirmary, but they said he'll be out for 3 more weeks." Tobi said, hugging a blood-stained teddy. The odd teddy had silver hair, a Konahagakure hitai-ate draped over one eye, a blue cloth mask, and the standard jounin outfit. The weirdest thing was the miniature orange book the teddy was holding. Tobi held a regular book in his other hand. (Not part of the Icha Icha series, I assure you.)

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU COME TO ME BEFORE I FELL ASLEEP?! IT'S FUCKING TWELVE!!" There was a groan from the bedroom next to theirs and a 'Kisame, how many times have I told you not to drink lemonade before you go to sleep?'

"Tobi found pills."

"Pills? What kind of pills?" Kisame asked, confused.

"Zetsu keeps them. He calls them 'happy pills.'" Tobi replied.

Kisame nodded. Zetsu had often come to him with a sleep problem after he had taken his 'happy pills.' "Fine, come inside..."

Tobi almost sat down in a chair, but realized it was inhabited by a red-eyed evil being from hell.

"Why is Tobi in our room?" Of course, the almighty Itachi only needed a few hours of sleep, and was awake most of the night.

"He needs a bedtime story." Kisame yawned. Tobi sat down on a chair next to Kisame's bed, (he could tell it was Kisame's because instead of the usual cloud on the black cloth, there were sharks) and handed Kisame the big, blue book that he had brought.

"This (gulp) whole thing?" Kisame asked, eyes widening.

Tobi nodded happily, "Yes please!"

Itachi walked over and snatched the book out of his hand. He activated the sharingan and flipped through the pages. His eyes widened. "Tobi, I'm going to summarize this."

"Arigatou, Itachi-san!"

"Once upon a time there was a handsome, blond, foxy prince. The prince realized he liked another raven-haired onyx-eyed prince, and they spent the whole day having hot homosmex. One day, an evil snake-like pervert saw them, and threatened to tell the whole kingdom. The princes had him castrated and continued having hot homosmex all day long. But wait! One of the princes had a secret admirer. She had pink hair and an abnormally huge forehead. She tried to seperate them, but the foxy prince told her she might as well fuck herself, because HIS prince wouldn't. Then the blond prince and the onyx-eyed one had some MORE hot homosmex in HER bed while she video-taped it. The end."

Itachi looked up and saw Tobi asleep on Kisame's lap. Kisame was also asleep, drooling on Tobi's head.

"Awww..." Itachi pulled the covers over both of them and sat back down in his evil chair from hell made for an evil being from hell. Or maybe not so evil? "I should probably kill them sooner or later..." Yes, an incredibly evil being from hell.

* * *

Nara : Well, We're boned.

Tobi : Nani?

Nara : My friend Sumi's writer's block is almost over, so she's going to force me to edit her work over and over again, and then do commentary.

Itachi : That shouldn't take long.

Nara : WELL YOU'RE A FUCKING PERFECTIONIST.

Itachi : Touche.

Nara : THAT'S NOT JAPANESE! MAKE IT JAPANESE!!!

Itachi : Bite me.

Kisame : (Bites.)

Itachi : NOT YOU, KISAME. THAT FUCKING HURTS.

Nara : ... Good. (Kicks balls.)

Itachi : (Clutches groin.)

Nara : BAI BAI FOR NOW, FOLKS!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	10. Drunk in Narutoland

Here is the 11th? 10th? 57th? Chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers! 

This segment shows what the Akatsuki members (and sumore people, only 10 people is not fucking enough!) say when they're drunk... (I've had a few brewskies mehself, thank you very much...)

On with the (hiccup) chapter!

Your voice of (snore).

* * *

Itachi - Dude... Ever notice how the world is like... All black and red?

Kisame - Who are you calling blue? I'm _cerulean_.

Tobi - (Hiccup.) Kakashi-kun! Why did you (hiccup) run away? I only wanted to (hiccup) show you how much I (falls over.)

Zetsu - And when I was 7, I ate my mom 'cuz I thought she was a regular oreo, I mean, like, somebody we didn't know... And dad got all pissed at me and tried to like... Eat me... And then my brother was all like "Zetsu, you fucking ate mom! What the fuck?!" and I was like "As if you wouldn't!" and he was all like "Well, yeah I wouldn't! She'd taste horrible!" and _I_ was like...

Deidara - When did my clay start exploding...? Seriously... I mean, it's like... All kaboom and stuff! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! WHERE THE HELL DID THESE MOUTHS COME FROM?!

Sasori - I swear to drunk I'm not God.

Hidan - Fuck... I'm so NOT fucking wasted... Oh fuck... Yeah I am... Here's my fucking keys... You drive us fucking home, fucker.

Kakuzu - I'm not drunk! I don't have enough money to spend on (hiccup)! Okay, yeah, I guess I am...

Konan - ... (Looks at fingers) Why do they call 'em fingers? They don't fing... Oh wait!

Pein - ... (Looks at hands) My hands... They're soo... Big... They can touch anything but themselves... (claps) Oh wait!

Sasuke - Naruto! Did you ever notice you had like... Whiskers?

Naruto - Weeeee! (Telemarketers calls.) No habla espanol. (But that means you don't speak Spanish!) Que pasa?

Sakura - ... Hit me (drinks)... Hit me (drinks)... Hit-OW!

Kakashi - I'm to cool to get (hiccup)... Nevermind...

Hinata - Damn it! I fucking showed you a liscence! I WANT MY FUCKING DRINK BACK!!

Neji - (Is asleep.)

Chouji - I DO NOT HAVE A BEER-BELLY!

Ino - Oh, wow... Sakura, you're forehead is just... huuuuuge...

Shikamaru - I don't get drunk. It's too troublesome.

Kiba - Lighten up, Shaky! It's a (burp) party!

Akamaru - RUFF!

Shino - ...

Asuma - Yes, Konohamaru. Drinking if very _bad_ for _children_. But when you turn 21, it becomes very _good_. NOW GIVE ME MY BEER BACK!

Kurenai - And then that weird girl was like, "Why, Kurenai-sensei? WHY?!" And I was all like, "That's right, bitch."

Tsunade - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! I'M _ALWAYS_ DRUNK!

* * *

Nara : Okay, there we go. I know, that's not all of 'em, but I might at another chapter. Okay, the telemarketer thing actually happened to me. Here's how it happened :

"Hello?"

"Hello miss, I would like to talk to you about-"

"No habla espanol."

"But that means you _don't_ speak Spanish!"

"Que pasa?"

"So you _do_ speak Spanish? Well, I do too. (says something random in spanish)

"Que pasa?"

"(more random spanish stuff)"

"Que pasa?"

(he hangs up)

Naruto : Woah... That happened to me once...

Nara : FUCK YOU ALL, MOTHER FUCKERS! BAI BAI!

Sasuke : Dun cuss at your readers!

Nara : HOW THE HELL DO YOU KEEP ESCAPING?!?!

(Gags, binds, and kicks a few times.)

Nara : See joos all later!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	11. Naptime!

Okay, sorry I've been gone for a while. My friend, Sumi, is on my case for 'starting her writers' block.' 

Anyway, I also started my other story, Guilt.

(Sigh) Screw the world...

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Tobi?" Kisame called into another room. "It's naptime."

"NAPTIME?! NEVER!!" Tobi said, running out of the room, past Kisame, and through the halls of the base.

"DAMN IT ALL! YOU WILL HAVE YOUR FUCKING NAMPTIME, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!" Kisame screamed, chasing after the little masked freak.

"NEVEEER!"

"Kisame?" Itachi asked, extending his foot, tripping the poor blue man.

"WHAT?!"

"You'll never get him that way."

"OH? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU CATCH HIM!!"

"Zetsu taught me how."

Kisame's eyes grew round. "Tell me!"

"Okay, first..."

_2 hours later._

"Kisame-saaan! I dun wanna take a nap... time? I want more beeeeeer!"

Itachi whispered in Kisame's ear. "Okay, Kisame, put the other bottle there."

"Okay... Right next to the bed?"

"And get the ties."

"Are you sure we don't need more beer?"

"No, we don't, now pour the warm milk in that bottle. Okay, good, set it on the tray right there."

Tobi stumbled into the room, completely unaware of the two men standing quietly at the bedside. Of course, in this way, he was like most T. Rex's : he neither knew, nor cared, that there was a blue man and a red-eyed evil monster from hell standing right next to his bed.

"Oooooh! More beer!" Tobi grasped the bottle, draining it. Of course, he had a secret hole in his mask for eating and drinking. It only ever opened when he was drunk. About 5-6 times every week.

"NANI?! WHAT'S THIS?! IT'S FUCKING MILK!" Tobi stumbled over onto the bed, and Kisame and Itachi jumped on him, tying his wrists to the bed. "I WANT MY FUCKING BEER!"

"I wonder how Zetsu EVER did this on his own." Kisame said, turning to Itachi after their work was done. Tobi was zoning out peacefully, and Kisame and Itachi were currently drawing on his face, err... Mask.

Itachi drew a purple heart around Tobi's eyehole. "He had more beer, a horse-sized dose of tranquilizer in the milk, and a lot of MSG.

"Ah." Kisame said, capping his marker and standing up. Stretching, he said, "When will he wake up?"

"Do you even _want_ him to wake up?"

"Good point." Kisame said, leaving the room.

Alone sat the evil, evil, evil, evil, hot, evil, evil being from the deepest level of hell (commonly known as level '0'), and his cousin, the cousin of the evil, evil, evil, evil, hot, evil, evil being front the deepest level of hell. More commonly known as 'drunkie', 'Tobi', 'Cutsey-wootsie', and 'FUCK OFF, TOBI!'.

* * *

Nara : I KNOW, IT SUCKS! BITE ME!

Tobi : Nara-dono is angry. Tobi should get Editor-sama to calm her down.

Nara : YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE YOU FREAKY MASKED BEAST! YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR EDITOR!

Tobi : Nara-dono! You're scaring Tobi! (Breaks down crying)

Nara : HAHAHAHA! CRY! YOU'RE TEARS SUSTAIN ME!!!

Kisame : Wow Nara-dono, you're re-

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	12. Poppin' Out Babies?

Okay, here's the TWELFTH chapter of AKATSUKI BLOOPERS!!!!!!! (I think?) 

Sorry I haven't posted in a while... I'm working on 'Guilt'! My other story! Check it out!

(Sigh) My friend Sumi (Angel of Mists) is STILL on my case about starting her writer's block... I swear... It's like she's on her 'monthly'... Or maybe she IS?! DUN DUN DUN!!!

Okay, I'm starting another series (hahahahahahah!), but I want to know if Shikamaru's dad's name is 'Shikato' or 'Shikaku'. Cuz the character selection says 'Shikato' but every story I've read that includes him says 'Shikaku." WHICH IS IT?!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Itachi sighed. "Kisame, why am I in your aquarium?"

"Because I wanted to give you something..." He said huskily.

Itachi felt himself getting thrown onto the wall, and saw Kisame hovering above him. "So is this your... surprise?"

"I have some new toys for you..." He grinned, undoing Itachi's cloak and running his tongue over Itachi's exposed neck.

Itachi moaned in appreciation as he felt Kisame's hands going over his chest for the millionth time that week. "Oh? Are they as fun as last time's?"

"Even bette-" Kisame was cut off by the door to his aquarium opening.

"KISAME-SAN, ITACHI-SAN, WHERE'S THE PEA...nut..." Tobi gaped. "PEIN-SAMA!!! HELP TOBI STOP KISAME-SAN BEFORE ITACHI-SAN STARTS POPPING OUT BABIES!!!" Itachi pulled on his cloak, and Kisame dropped the small basket of 'toys'.

Kisame ran over to the masked idiot and slapped him. "Tobi! Guys can't have babies!"

"But Deidara-senpai said that when two people do 'it' they have babies!"

"That's only between a girl and a boy! Itachi and me are guys, we can't have babies!"

"Then why are you doing it?"

Kisame's mouth went dry. "Umm... Well, th-that's a little..."

Tobi said what Deidara had told him whenever he was in a situation where Kisame started stuttering. "Magic, got it."

* * *

Outside Deidara and Pein waited, cupping their hands over their mouths to hide their laughs.

"He sure got to the point, un." Deidara giggled.

"'Before Itachi starts popping out babies' Pure gold!" Pein replied.

* * *

Nara : Okay, this was a bit freaky, I know. I SWEAR, THE MONKEYS HIDING UNDER MY BED FORCED THE IDEA INTO MY BRAIN!!!

Tobi : How?

Nara : That's a good question.

Kisame : Are you high or something?

Nara : Another good question.

Itachi : Are you-

Nara : I DUN WANNA DEAL WITH THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!! BAI BAI FOR NOW, USAGI MINIONS, AKATSUKI, EDITOR-CHAN, AND ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WHO READ MY STORIES!!!

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	13. Sushi, Licenses, Crayons, and Eric

Okies, here's teh 13th chappie of Akatsuki Bloopers! 

Sorry for the wait!

Screw you all!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Itachi?" Kisame called angrily.

A groggy Uchiha with a sleep-disheveled head walked, or nearly fell, down the stairs. "WHAT? IT'S 5 PM!! I'M FUCKING SLEEPING!!"

"Why is there sushi in the fridge?! (1)" He roared.

Itachi sighed. "Because sushi is tasty, and besides, it's not anyone we know."

"Oh? THEN WHERE HAS ERIC GONE? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU, ITACHI, I EVEN GOT A FISH LICENSE FOR HIM!!!" Kisame roared once more.

"Eric is your cat. You can't make sushi with a cat."

"No, the other Eric!"

"Your dog? Your dog, Eric? You can't make sushi with a dog either."

"THE OTHER ERIC!"

"You have another Eric?"

"Yes, he's an halibut."

"He's a what?"

"He. Is. An. Halibut. I chose him out of thousands; I didn't like the others. They were all too flat."

"You got a fish license for him?"

"Yep."

"They don't exist."

"Yes they do!"

"Cat licenses don't exist either."

"OH? Then what is this?" Kisame handed Itachi a piece of paper.

"It's a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in green crayon."

"NAH-AH!! HERE, HOW ABOUT THIS?" Kisame handed another piece of paper to Itachi with a smug grin.

"It's a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in green crayon, and the word 'cat' is crossed out and 'fish' is written in purple crayon."

"What's a crayon?"

"I'm not sure."

* * *

(1) I got this idea from my other story, Naruto Chatroom. Chappie 2.

Nara : Okies, I was watching 'Fish License' by Monty Python, and I just HAD to put it in a chappie. Only I tweaked it a bit. Also, sorry for not updating for so long! Omg, already 76 comments! I'm sooooooooooooooooooo happpy!

Editor : You shouldn't be.

Nara : AND WHY NOT?

Editor : Tobi's eating your couch.

Nara : AGAIN?! (Drags Tobi off couch and smacks him a few times.)

Tobi : Gomen, Nara-hime!

Nara : YOU BETTER BE SORRY, YOU NO GOOD PIECE OF DONKEY-(bleeeep)ING HORSE-(bleeeep)!

Editor : Thank Kami for the bleep button.

Nara : WHERE THE (bleep) DID YOU FIND THE BLEEP BUTTON?!

Editor : Nowhere, nowhere.

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	14. Peanut Butter?

Here's another chappie of Akatsuki Bloopers. In yer reviews, tell meh if you have any special requests for another chappie. 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Kisame sighed irritably, glaring at what seemed to be a wet puppy. "Itachi, I know that's you. Change back now." He commanded.

A puff of smoke and a very naked Itachi was standing there, faking a surprised expression. "How did you know I was there?" He asked, his tone feigning innocence.

"There wasn't a puppy in here when I started my shower." He said, the water falling on his bare blue chest. He laughed lightly when Itachi put on a small pout. Kisame wrapped his arms around the younger man, kissing his forehead lightly. "But I have wanted another pet for a long time now... Kneel." He commanded.

Itachi smirked, doing as he was told. "Yes, Maste-"

The door to the bathroom opened, and the shower curtain was pulled back. "WHERE'S THE PEANUT BU...tter..." Tobi let out a loud shriek at the scene in front of him, and ran as fast as he could to the kitchen.

Kisame and Itachi stood there for a second, water continuously falling on them, before Kisame spoke up. "So where were we?"

"Right he-" The curtains of the shower opened a second time.

"But seriously, where's the peanut butter?" Tobi asked, covering his eye hole.

* * *

Tobi : Nara-hime?

Nara : WHAT?

Tobi : Where's the peanut butter?

Nara : Leave me the fuck alone.

Editor : What's wrong with you?

Nara : I'm clinically insane.

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	15. Beware, my sick twisted mind!

Again, comment if yeh have any new ideas fer a chappie. 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Once upon a time, there was an organization called Akatsuki. This is the tale of how their Christmas turned into a Birthday.

Tobi was running all around Akatsuki base, screaming Merry Christmas and banging on every door. Behind the doors, every Akatsuki member was preparing for Christmas Day, spraying tiger repelant (just in case last year's Christmas might repeat itself) on their robes and preparing their weapons and jutsus for surviving this very deadly day.

Meanwhile, in the common room, Tobi wrapped a bow around a large, orange box, grinning evily under his mask.

The Akatsuki filed into the common room, and as Kisame sat down, he muttered, "Why do we have to celebrate Christmas?"

"Because you won't fucking tell Tobi where the goddamn peanut butter is." He retaliated in his deep, scratchy voice. "Present time!" Tobi said cheerfully.

"Bipolar much..." Zetsu's black half muttered. "Indeed." His white half responded.

Pein cautiously walked over to the presents and opened all that were his. An alarm clock, several towels, and, for some reason, baby supplies. "Why...?" He looked at the tag on the present, but there was no name. "Who...?"

Everyone shrugged, while Zetsu went next. His eyes widened as he examined the contents of his presents. "A vegetarian pizza? A v-v-vegetarian d-d-diet plan? HOLY FUCK!!! A DECAPITATED CACTUS!!!" He shrieked, throwing the cactus back into it's very large orange box.

"How do you decapitate a ca-" Itachi started to ask.

"AAH!!!!" Konan wailed. "I THINK IT'S TIME!!!"

"To party?" Hidan asked.

"NO, THE BABY!! THE BABY, DAMN YOU!!!"

Everyone's eyes widened, and Pein choked out, "A baby? Y-You were p-pregnant?"

Konan yelled something about the Akatsuki robes being very roomy, and started screaming once more.

Have you ever seen an organization of S-ranked criminals trying to deliver a baby? I assure you, it is not pleasant. In fact, if you set aside the obvious humor of the situation, the screaming men, and the highly-respected Leader crying, it is the exact opposite of pleasant. You could say it is as pleasant as Itachi turning into a cat for a day, and Kisame trying to give him a bath in ice-cold soda. But thank god they had newborn baby supplies, or they might have just killed the baby in an attempt to find a diaper.

In the end (I won't go into details), they had a very homocidal baby. The entire evening was spent explaining to Konan that her baby had tried to rape Itachi twice, kill Deidara four times, and win in a biting competition with Kisame. The only way to calm him down was to have Sasori's puppets act out 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' and have Kisame arm wrestle the little piece of shit. Finally, when the baby fell asleep, Kakuzu swore that he had heard him muttering about how Itachi had such a 'hot ass'.

And when the baby was fast asleep, Pein, drying the tears on his face, named him Gekijin.

Or 'Evil being from the depths of hell.' I'm not sure which.

* * *

Nara : I'm freaky, I assure you.

Editor : ...

Nara : Say it.

Editor : Wow, I really didn't think you'd go through with this.

Nara : I won the bet, now say it.

Editor : (Takes deep breath.) I'M A-

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	16. Why Tobi's a Good Boy

Omg, GUESS WHOOOO? 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Itachi knocked on Zetsu's door, the multi-colored man opening it seconds later. "Yes?"

"Well, I was wondering..." Itachi said.

"What?"

"Why does Tobi think he's a good boy?"

"Well, I kinda started that. I say he was good."

"Good at what?"

Zetsu blushed slightly. "I told him he was a damn good fuck."

Itachi woke up hours later, mouth open in a silent scream. For the next few weeks, his night were plagued with horrible dreams of a certain green man and a certain masked man.

* * *

Nara : Kill me now.

Editor : Gladly.

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	17. Princess Aodaishou?

Well, here yeh go. 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Why do we hafta baby-sit it?" Kisame whined.

The all-knowing and all-tripping Leader then answered, "You have to babysit him because I said so." Awesome indeed, no?

"But wwwwwwwhy?" Kisame whined once more.

"BECAUSE I SAID SO." He yelled. Kisame then walked out the door, but fell immediately. The Leader smiled, pulling his foot back.

Standing up, Kisame brushed himself off. "What's it called anyway?

"_His_ name is Gekijin."

_One hour later..._

Kisame had the young baby handcuffed (with a very small pair of cuffs, I assure you) and gagged. Itachi sat on the couch next to him, curled into a ball and shaking uncontrollably from the pervious... experience with Gekijin.

The shark put an arm around his lover, comforting him while grinning at the baby tied up in the chair.

He gently kissed Itachi's forehead, making the baby squirm impatiently. Itachi looked up at Kisame, not noticing the squirming baby, and looked at him tenderly. Kisame captured his lips in his own, making sure the baby had a good, clear view.

Itachi moaned, and the baby started thrashing violently at his restraints. Kisame proceeded to unbutton Itachi's cloak. He moaned once more and took off his own shirt.

Half an hour later, the baby was unconscious due to blood loss and Kisame and Itachi were laying on the couch, covered by a small blanket.

Itachi looked over, noticing the baby slouching loosely in the chair for the first time. "What happened to him?"

Kisame smiled innocently. "It probably can't handle the extreme smexiness."

"Smexiness?"

"Don't question it, Weasel-kun, don't question it."

The next day, Gekijin shifted his interest to Deidara, knowing that Itachi was out of his league...

_For now.

* * *

_

Nara : Woohoo! Geki-chan has a new love interest! Anyway, this isn't really good, I was sidetracked (listening to emo music, reading emo stories, not focusing on comedy), but I promise next chappie's better!

Editor : Well, it's not really love, the little shit's just interested in a fuck.

Nara : Same thing.

Tobi : No! Deidara-sempai told me love is-

Nara : Don't listen to Clay-kun.

Editor : Do you have pet names for _all_ of the Akatsuki?

Nara : Even Aodaishou-hime!

Editor : Princess Common Harmless Snake?

Nara : Well, what do _you_ call Orochimaru?

I am there, but you don't see me.  
I give you advice, but you don't know me.  
And I will drop by to see you again.  
For I am Your voice of Reason.


	18. Potions!

Well, here's another chappie of the worst story ever written! 

Sorry for the long wait, I've been lazy...

I mean busy! BUSY! Damn...

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Daaaannnaaaa?" Deidara called into the other room.

"WHAT?" Sasori screamed, spilling the potion he was creating all over his wooden lap (except one not-so-wooden little trinket!)

"Wutcha doooooin', un?" He asked, appearing in the doorway and grinning uncontrollably.

Sasori fell out of his chair and onto the ground, groaning and moaning uncontrollably while he curled into a little ball and writhing painfully. "D-Deidara..." He called out, clutching his stomach like a man getting ready to puke.

The blonde gasped and rushed over to his lover's side. "Sasori-danna! What's wrong?! Say something, danna!!!" He said, holding up Sasori's head to his chest to he could gaze down at the red-haired puppet.

Sasori lifted up a wooden hand and motioned him closer, eyes heavily lidded. Deidara leaned in closer, "Yes, danna?" He asked, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes.

"Closer, Dei..." He groaned once more, wincing in pain.

Deidara leaned in so close that his lips were almost touching his danna's nose. "H-Here..." Sasori said, taking a small bottle out of his Akatsuki robe pocket and offering it to Deidara. "Drink it..."

He nodded tearfully and pulled the cork from the bottle opening. Sniffing, he swallowed the small amount of green potion. Almost instantly, his hair turned a dark green color, streaked with orange and violet. Sasori pulled himself from Deidara's embrace. He laughed lightly. "And what did we learn today?"

"To not annoy you..."

"Good boy."

"Fuck you!"

Sasori tackled his green-haired lover. "Gladly..."

* * *

Nara : Well, this one in particular sucks greatly, but I'm a really busy person!

Editor : Lazy, you mean. What are you doing with that knife? Why-OH HELL NO!! PLEASE, NO, PLEEEEEEASE!!

Nara : If you want to remain male, then apologize.

Editor : I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY!!! PLEEEEASE!!!

Nara : Good bunny. Well, I'm making another story and it revolves around my OC, Amaya. Read my profile (scrolls down to the bottom portion where it says 'My OC') and tell me if she's too Mary Sueish or if I should change some things. Reviews are greatly appreciated, especially if they include advise on Amaya!

_Not a conscience, not a friend, not an enemy. A voice of Reason._


	19. Roleplaying as who?

Okies, here's the second chapter today... 

I've really gotten off my lazy ass today. Oh well!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Deidara snuck through the corridors, trying to find the storageroom so he could get the yellow dye to put into his shampoo. He looked at the three doors he had come to. One led outside, the other led on a long and winding path, finally ending at the door to the storageroom, three days later. The center one, though, that led to the common room-a shortcut to the storageroom. Should he take the risk?

He pressed his ear to the opening, listening for any signs of his fellow akatsuki members. After a few minutes of intense listening and keeping himself from peeing his pants, he opened the door, wincing when it creaked.

He peeked in, and, deciding it was safe, slowly crept into the room...

Only to be glomped by a certain green monster. "DEI-CHAN!!! YOU'VE FINALLY GONE GREEN!!!!" Zetsu screamed, poking at Deidara's hair and hugging him to the point of suffocation.

"Get offa me!!!" Deidara screamed, pushing against Zetsu's chest in a desperate attempt to escape.

Another one of the doors leading to the common room opened, exposing Itachi and Kisame. Itachi merely sat down in a chair, glaring, while Kisame sprang onto the pair wrestling on the floor. "DEI-CHAN FINALLY WENT GREEN!!!" He yelled, giving Deidara a massive noogie.

Another door opened, exposing Tobi and Konan. Tobi, paying no attention to the screaming used-to-be blonde in the tangle of arms and legs, jumped onto Zetsu, poking his flytrap repeatedly. Konan merely shrugged and jumped into the pile, giving noogies to random people and sticking her fingers into Kisame's gills, who coughed uncontrollably every time she did.

A third door opened, revealing Pein, Hidan and Kakuzu. Kakuzu sat down on a couch near Itachi, talking about how much money it would take to replace everything if they broke it, while Hidan prayed to Jashin that their souls would be forgiven for what was going to take place that night, in each of the pairs' rooms.

Pein, on the other hand, jumped into the pile and started randomly punching different Akatsuki members, laughing maniacly while getting out his favorite stabbing knife. Finally, after what seemed like an hour of hugs, punches, coughing and sobbing, the last door opened, revealing an angry-looking Sasori in nothing but Akatsuki-print boxers.

"I TRY AND TAKE AN AFTERNOON NAP AND THIS IS WHAT I FUCKING GET?!" He screamed above the chaos that turned into silence after his exclamation. He poked his arm once and it opened, revealing a small set of potions. He grabbed a yellow one and threw it at Deidara's forehead. "THERE'S THE FUCKING BLONDE POTION YOU'LL BE NEEDING!" He screamed.

Huffing, he walked towards Itachi and took a small pink bottle from the cavity in his arm. "And there's your pink hair dye." He said, walking out of the room and slamming the door behind him.

All eyes turned to Itachi, whose cheeks turned bright red. "I-um, I, err... I..." He took a deep breath. "MeandKisameliketoroleplay!" He screamed, running from the room with the pink potion in his hand.

Deidara's eyes widened. "Roleplay as who?"

Kisame chuckled. "Just fucking guess."

* * *

Nara : Okay, it started out (in my mind) as Zetsu randomly glomping Deidara, but it evolved into so much more.

Editor : You sick, twisted-

Nara : I'm so flattered!

Deidara : I'LL KILL YOU, DANNA!!

Sasori : Why?

Deidara : You won't tell me who they're roleplaying as!!

Nara : (Whispers in Deidara's ear.)

Deidara : HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!

Hidan : Indeed.

Nara : Well, there we go. Anyway, remember to check out the OC on my profile (bottom part of the page.) I need opinions on her before I create the story that revolves around her. Remeber!! Oh, and, seriously, I want to know : Is Shikamaru's dad's name Shikato or Shikaku?!

_Not a conscience, not a friend, not and enemy. A voice of Reason._


	20. Rashes

Okay, seriously, check out my profile and scroll to the near bottom, look at my OC and tell me if she's too Mary Sueish and if I should downgrade her, or if she's just plain silly. I'm gonna write a fanfic about her, so I NEED opinions! I've been fucking asking for them for like, what, two chapters already? AND in one of my other stories? Kuso... 

Oh well, here's Akatsuki Bloopers.

* * *

"Hit me." Tobi murmured beneath his mask, rubbing his arm slightly.

"You've had enough!" Zetsu screamed.

"It will never be enough!!"

"What's wrong, you don't think this is going over the top?!"

"Nothing is going over the top anymore!"

Kisame spoke up from his seat on the couch. "Seriously, Tobi, you have enough. Let's not have this get out of hand!"

Tobi shot a glare out of one of his eyeholes. "It's already out of hand!"

Itachi smirked from his seat at the table directly across from Tobi. "Indeed, it's all over the floor."

"Tobi didn't ask you for your opinion!" He yelled, rubbing his arm once again, wincing in pain.

"But Tobi needed it."

"Hit me!" Tobi said again.

Zetsu glared. "NO!"

"Tobi will fucking-"

Hidan pointed at the baby sitting in the chair in the corner of the room, reading a celebrity gossip magazine. "Language."

Tobi shook his head, clearing himself from his thoughts. "Zetsu, Tobi will tell you one more time, hit me!"

"And I'll deny you one more time! You're too far gone! Look at them, Tobi, count them!"

"Tobi doesn't need to count, Tobi already knows!"

"Then why won't you listen?!"

"Because I don't need to!"

"Stop it, Tobi!"

"FINE THEN, TOBI'S OUT!" He screamed, dropping the handful of cards onto the table while he gathered the ones on the floor. He rubbed his arm once more.

Before he exited the room, Deidara called out. "Why do you keep rubbing your arm?"

"I'm breeding poisonous rabbits." He replied nonchalantly. "They like to bite, and it gives me a rash."

"Why?!"

"_Poisonous_ rabbits!"

"No, I mean, why are you breeding them?!"

Tobi grinned, shutting the door behind him after he spoke. "_Wouldn't you like to know, Dei-chan?_"

Deidara whimpered, jumping onto the couch next to Sasori. He whimpered and buried his face into Sasori's shoulder. "He's gonna do it again, Danna, I know he is!"

* * *

Nara : Okay, just guess what Tobi is gonna do!

Editor : Is that to me, or your readers, Nara-dono?

Nara : I thought I was Nara-hime?

Editor : My respect for you has greatly diminished.

Nara : Why?

Editor : Look at the cast on my arm.

Tobi : Tobi thought that that was because Tobi pushed you off a cliff?

Editor : That's the _other_ arm.

_Not a conscience, not a friend, not an enemy. A Voice of Reason._


	21. You godless heathen

Sorry for the late chapter, I've been busy lately... 

Or maybe not.

You choose : believe the nice little lie or be suspicious of me for the rest of your life.

Anyway, this is, perhaps, my longest chapter.

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Hidan and Kisame sat on the couch, watching T.V.

The show they were both watching, The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, had greatly angered Hidan.

"Damned kid believes in evolution..." Hidan said, shaking his head.

"I believe in evolution." Kisame remarked, thinking it would do no harm to share his own religion with his friend, a religious psychopath. Poor, poor Kisame had not been born that bright.

"GODLESS HEATHEN!!!" Came Hidan's screech.

"Geez, Hidan, it's not a big de-"

"YOU ATHEIST!!!!"

"Jesus Christ..."

"Who?"

"No one."

"GODLESS HEEEEEEEEEEEEEATHEN!!!" And with that, Kisame ran and Hidan chased him with a fairly large butcher's knife in his hand.

* * *

"Itachi?" Deidara asked, walking into the medium-sized apartment that Kisame shared with Itachi in their base.

"Yeah?" Came his response, and Deidara looked to see that he was sitting in a very large black chair, legs crossed, a book in his lap, a lamp turned on and beside him, with... with...

"Are you wearing glasses, un?"

Sparing a glance towards Deidara, Itachi turned it into a glare, but then turned back to his book. "Yes, I am wearing glasses, what did you want?"

"Have you seen Hidan?"

"No."

"Aren't you worried, un?"

"I think it's a change for the better."

Deidara nodded, plopping himself on the couch next to Itachi's chair. He, too, crossed his legs.

Itachi looked at him with a confused expression. "Why do you think all uke's cross their legs?"

"You're uke?!" Deidara asked incredulously.

"... Aren't you?"

The blonde took on a smug grin. "Nope, un."

"GODLESS HEATHEN! Don't make me shank you!!" Came a voice from outside.

"WHERE IN SEVEN HELLS DID YOU EVEN GET THAT THING (1)?!" Came another.

"OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU BELIEVE THERE ARE SEVEN NOW!"

"NOOOO!!"

Itachi cocked his head ever so slightly. "That sounded like Kisame..."

"Better go get him before they neuter him." Deidara said nonchalantly, but Itachi's face took on a paniced expression.

"NEVER!!!"

* * *

Sasori walked out of the closet and yawned before he opened the door to look down the hall. "WHO THE HELL'S MAKING ALL THE NOISE?! I WAS FUCKING SLEEPING!!"

He vaguely heard Kisame's voice answer him back. "Puppet's don't need any fucking sleep!"

"DON'T BE HATIN' ON THE FAT KID" He screamed back.

* * *

There sat the devil...

His face, masked...

Hid body, cloaked...

His eyes, red and hateful...

"Damn you..." He whispered to the dark. It had been his friend since he was little, and he always wondered why it never left him, like all of his other friends had. "Why...?" He questioned it. He treated it like shit, but it never left him.

Suddenly, the room was filled with a bright light, and Zetsu walked in. "WAKE UP, TOBI-CHAN!!!" He screamed.

Tobi's entire body jumped and he took on a happy attitude. "HANA-KOI!!!"

Zetsu looked at the bed, then frowned and took out a knife. "GODDAMN IT, I TOLD YOU NO RABBITS IN BED!!"

"Is Hana-koi going to hurt Tobi?" He asked, smiling sheepishly.

"Not like it matters to you..." He said, walking towards the Uchiha while muttering, "Fucking masochist..."

"HIDAN, STOP IT, REALLY, PLEASE!!"

"NEVER, YOU GODLESS HEATHEN!!"

"PLEASE, USE THE SCYTHE INSTEAD, IT'S DULL!!"

"MY SCYTHE IS DULL?!"

"NO, I DIDN'T MEAN TO OFFEND, REALLY, PLEASE!!"

"IN THE NAME OF JAAAAAASHIN!!!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Tobi put on a wide grin, but Zetsu didn't see.

* * *

Later that night, Itachi had his hands on Kisame's clothed groin.

But they were glowing green.

"Itachi-san..."

"Hn?"

"You'll stay with me, right?"

"..."

"Right?!"

"He only kicked you really hard."

* * *

(1) He's referring to the knife.

Nara : Whew.

Editor : You're tired?

Nara : Hell no, I'm just bored.

Editor : Ah.

Tobi : TOBI WANT EAT EDITOR-SAMA!!!"

Nara : If you do, I'll destroy 'Hana-koi'.

Zetsu : Don't do it Tobi, I'm afraid of her.

Tobi : Wimp.

Nara : Masochist.

Editor : Heartless bitch.

Nara : Thank you.


	22. Paddle of DOOM!

Well, here we go... 

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

Pein stalked through the dark, gloomy base, clutching the wooden paddle in his hand with an amused expression. He stopped by Kisame and Itachi's apartment door, back to the wall and listening intently. There was only soft, even breathing. He waited and waited, until, finally, there was a bit of shuffling and a few moans.

He then realized what time it was and started singing.

"1, 2, Leader's coming for you..."

Morning...

The perfect time for -

"HYAAAH!" And he crashed through the door, not bothering to open it first. He could hear a startled 'what was that?' before he crashed through another door.

"3,4, Sasori shuts his door..."

Kisame and Itachi were half under the covers. Kisame's mouth was gaping open and Itachi was clutching the sheets to his chest. Pein advanced, gripping the paddle even more tightly than he had before.

"Put the paddle down, Leader-sama, put it down and waaaaaaalk away... Niiiiice and slooow... We don't want this to end how it did last time." Kisame said soothingly, raiding his hands in a gesture of submissiveness.

Pein smirked and walked until he was at the foot of the king-sized bed. "5,6, Get Hidan's crucifix..." He sang, sitting at the foot of the bed and pulling a naked Kisame's arm until the blue man was bent over on his lap. Kisame wouldn't resist his master; he liked a sore ass better than death.

He cried out when the paddle made contact with his ass. "NOOOOOO!!!" He screeched, but still Pein kept paddling.

Finally, 12 hours later, Pein turned to the frightened Itachi in the bed. "7,8, Tobi stays up late..."

Itachi couldn't take another paddling. His eyes bled red and he caught Pein in his illusion as he sang, "9,10, paddle never again..." and he took the paddle and broke it over Kisame's head.

And in the illusion...

"No mommy! Put the spork down! I promise I'll never rape daddy again!!!"

* * *

Nara : I've invited my friend, Sumi, as a guest on...

Editor : (Sighs) Dun dun dun.

Nara : AKATSUKI BLEEPERS!

Sumi : (Coughs uncomfortably) I believe it was Bloopers?

Nara : I'll pronounce it however I damn well want to.

Sumi : So how did you like my story, Caught in the Act (review!)

Nara : NO ADVERTISING! (Naruto Chatroom! Review!)


	23. Bye Bye, Baby

I heard that there was a story called Just Because that I had a lot of things in common with, so...

I'm killing off those things.

HEE!

Your voice of Reason.

* * *

"Oh my God..." Konan breathed, eyes wide and teary. Pein was openly sobbing into her shoulder, like the little baby he was.

"I think the little bastard deserved it." Sasori muttered, wiping the blood off the little dog's chin. "He went after my Dei-chan."

"Shut up, danna!" Deidara countered, picking up a stick and poking at the lifeless body in front of them.

Itachi chuckled. "I feel so much safer. Violent little kid." And petted the large white dog sitting on the ground with its tail wagging happily.

"I kinda started liking the brat after he stopped going after you." Kisame murmured, staring into the dog's intense yellow eyes. "Kinda weird dog, though."

"Me? What?"

"Nevermind."

There was a screech outside of the common room, in the hall, and the Akatsuki members looked out the open door to see Hidan and Kakuzu calmly walking in while Zetsu ran up and down the halls, screaming. Tobi had been chasing him, but seemed to suddenly abandon his chase and walk into the room.

Hidan pulled a small cross from his pocket and offered an equally as small prayer. He then took the stick from Deidara and continued poking at Gekijin's dead body, giggling. Kakuzu murmured happily about how much money they would save on diapers until Konan smacked him over the head.

"There he is!" Tobi screamed, falling to his knees (right onto Gekijin's body) and petting the large, furry white dog.

Kisame lifted an eyebrow. "You know the dog?"

Tobi nodded. "Yep, Tobi got him on his last mission with Hana-koi."

"Ha-... N-Nevermind, what's it's name?"

"Inuyasha."

* * *

(Warning, the following conversation was not acted out to any script. It is completely random.)

Sumi : What the fuck is wrong with you, Nara-kun?

Nara : I didn't say you could come guest star! Just 'cause you know my password doesn't mean you can-

Sumi : Yes I can. You do it all the time on my account!

Nara : YOU INVITE ME!

Sumi : Toosh.

Nara : Touche'.

Sumi : GODDAMNIT!

Hidan : Don't you be bringing God into this!

Nara : Go fuck yourself, Hidan!

Kakuzu : I'll do it for him.

Tobi : ---Eye twitch---

Sumi : Bai, NARA-KUN, I'll be going now.

Tobi : Why does Sumi-niichan call you Nara-kun instead of Nara-hime?

Nara : Go fuck yourself Tobi.

Tobi : Tobi was going to, anyway, but now he has a reason to. He thanks Nara-hime for her kind order.

Nara & Sumi : ---Double eye twitch---


	24. We all Have Secrets

ATTENTION---Okies, I am having a huge Akatsuki Me and my friends' OCs party to celebrate my 25th chapter! It includes my OC, Amaya, Sumi's OC, Shinju, Karla-baka's OC, Keashi, and Lana-nii's OC, Bikiru.

In that order, look up me, Angel of the Crimson Mist, Akatsuki Keashi and Konoha's Kage to read the OC stuff.

Before then, I would LOVE to have 200 reviews (Karla-baka is so jealous and Lana-nii is just being Lana-nii) so I can celebrate two things at once! Of course, though, I should probably update Naruto Chatroom (REVIEW!) before Sumi e-bites my head off.

Oh, and thankies to 'YAOI? WHERE?!' for actually calling me Nara-dono! SQUEE!! THANKIES SO MUCH!!

Well, now I like to be called Nara-hime! (Right Sasuke? Sasuke : YES, NARA-HIME, PLEASE PUT THE SCALPEL DOWN!!)

Anyway, let's get on with this chapter! Time for more of my crazy ideas!

* * *

"Do we _reeeeeally_ have to do thiiiiiis?" Hidan whined. Pein, still made grim by the death of his only child, nodded slowly. "DAMNIT ALL!!"

Kakuzu laid a soothing hand on Hidan's shoulder, but the Jashin-loving masochist swatted it away when Kakuzu began to move it lower.

Konan sighed, "I'll go first." And stood, taking a deep breath, "Flowers are, like... my world... I can't... I just can't live without them... I mean, aren't you going too far when you crush a lilac and snort it? Oh God, I have a problem, don't I?!"

The other members of the room nodded and Deidara placed a soothing hand on her shoulder before standing up himself as Konan fell into her chair with a sob.

"I like to blow up things." There was a murmur of 'duh' going on around the room. "I DESTROYED HIRUKO, DANNA, I'M SO SORRY!!" And was promptly smacked over the head by a teary Sasori, who decided his turn was next.

"I make puppets. So. Many. Puppets. I..." Deidara rubbed his back. "Pretend to rape them!"

Hidan cursed for a while, but the Akatsuki soon calmed down enough for another to take his or her turn. Zetsu fianlly stood up. "I, erm... How do I put this...? I'm a cannibal. Both ways (1)."

Tobi smiled, "Tobi knows you swing both ways, Hana-koi, and it's find with him. Tobi also knows that Hana-koi is a cannibal, but so is Tobi."

Zetsu's eye twitched but he sat down anyway.

Itachi went next, and a collective shudder ran through the room as he stood, "Blood is just so damn awesome. I mean, it's all red (my favorite color next to fuschia) and gooey and stuff, and it tastes like cherries (my favorite food next to shark). And I, um... I... Please don't get mad at me Kisame... I kinda wanted to see if it was purple..." His gaze flickered down to a deep gash on Kisame's thigh, who happened to be wearing a pink short-shorts, and the shark just now knew what had happened.

"YOU ASSHO-"

"One more word and you're not getting any tonight."

That promptly shut the shark up, but now it was Hidan's turn. "I'm a masochist."

Kakuzu sighed irritably, "Tell us something we don't know."

"I shove mini-pickles up Kakuzu's nose when he's sleeping to stop him from snoring."

"What?"

"Nothing, sweetie." And he was immediately hit over the head. "Uhm, Kakuzu?"

"Hmm?"

"Again?"

"My turn." Kakuzu said, standing up and shoving his hands into his pockets. "I love hot, spunky boybands. You know all the screaming girls in the crowd that everyone's always complaining about? Yeah, that's all me. Girls can't scream that high."

Hidan snickered, reaching around in his own pocket for something. "Really?"

"Yeah."

The masochist pulled a large, plastic snake that he kept for good luck out of his robe and threw it at Kakuzu, who let out a rather high, girly squeal. "DAMN IT HIDAN, NOT FUNNY!"

Kisame laughed, "I thought it was."

"You're turn, asshole." Kakuzu muttered, sitting down and smacking Hidan over the head again.

"I hate cats." Then he was smacked by Itachi. "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Itachi smirked, "I love cats."

"Don't say that, Itachi-san."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Leader-sama has one on his ass."

Pein stood solemnly, glaring at his vicious underlings, "I use Kakuzu's string (2) to floss."

Hidan shoved his hand into Kakuzu's cloak and down his pants. "Doncha think it's a little too big?"

"DAMNIT, HIDAN!" But no one was sure if it was Kakuzu or Pein who had yelled it out.

When things finally calmed down, Deidara started counting people off of his fingers.

_Pein..._

_Konan..._

_Deidara..._

_Sasori..._

_Hidan..._

_Kakuzu..._

_Itachi..._

_Kisame..._

_Zetsu..._

"TOBI, YOU'RE NEXT!" The blonde screeched out.

Tobi merely laughed darkly and removed his mask for a split-second.

No one slept for weeks after that.

* * *

1 - He means he eats both people AND vegetables.

2 - He means the string that Kakuzu uses to tie his body parts together (you perverts!)

Nara : HEE, I LIKED THIS ONE!

Editor : You're perferted, Nara-hime.

Nara : I know!

Tobi : What's on Tobi's face that scares everyone?

Nara : You tell me.

Tobi : How about Tobi shows you?

Nara : NOOOOOO!!


	25. 25TH CHAPTER ANNIVERSARY!

Okies, my dear readers and reviewers, this is the 25th chapter of Akatsuki Bloopers!

Me, Sumi, Karla (a friend) and Lana (another friend) are guest starring in my own story! You can probably tell where me, Sumi, Karla, or Lana-nii wrote pieces in, right?

RIGHT?!

WOOT!

Me - Amaya

Sumi - Shinju

Karla - Keashi

Lana - Bikiru (my embodied sarcastic conscience)

* * *

"Happy 25th chapter, Amaya-chan!" Tobi screamed and gave the white-haired girl a hug, messing up her hair playfully.

The two people she came with eyed the decorated base suspiciously, quietly, until one named Shinju shouted out, "I BROUGHT KARAOKE!"

Itachi screamed his delight and ran to give her a hug. Amaya gave Kisame a suspicious look, but the shark-nin just mouthed back, "he's drunk."

As this statement was no great amount of surprise to the party, Amaya proceeded to bring in her...

Voice of reason.

Sarcastic Reason!

Embodied. Embodied Sarcastic Voice of Reason.

A voice came from above, "Did you have to capitalize that? I HAVE a name, you know!"

Sorry... Had a whole bunch of root beer.

Anyway, after a suspenseful (!!) moment...

A black-haired girl, by the name of Bi... Ki... Ruuu..., fell out of the sky (or cave... roof?), stood up, dusted herself off, completely ignored the fact that she was in an enclosed space with a bunch of mass murderers and/or insane half-humans/males/plants/inanimate objects, and concluded this run-on sentence by saying, "Happy birthday. I mean, chapter. Whatever I'm here for. Hey, since I'm a conscience and don't technically have to care for my body, I get to drink, right? Always wanted to find out what a hangover felt like."

Amaya ignored Deidara offering her a huge present with spikes on the bow and walked over to hug her conscience, Bikiru. "Bikiru-nii, you made it! And, uh... We're not in a cave."

As if delayed by some unnatural event, Itachi just now yelled out, "OH MY GOD, KARAOKE!"

He then ran up to the stage (since when was there a stage in the Akatsuki common room?) and started singing as Kisame plugged the various pieces of equipment in.

"-without love! Pain, I can't get enough! Pain, I like it rough! 'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all!"

At which point Pein jumped onto the stage and started to dance with Itachi, ignoring the warning curses flying from Kisame's mouth.

Bikiru groaned. "One, then where the hell are we? Two, TELL me this chapter won't turn into a songifc. Three, oh my ABSTRACT NOUN, that is gross and wrong!"

"No, my friend, no songfic, as you see-"

And instantly, Pein was pulled off the stage by an angry Kisame and Itachi was carried over to a couch, thrown down and kissed viciously.

Now that Kisame had renewed his claim, he decided to go for punch, then stopped short. Tobi had made the punch. Who knew was the masked fiend could have put into it?

Shinju walked over to Amaya and poked her, whispering, "Who's that guy in the mask? He looks really... sad..."

Hidan heard and laughed, "I spent some cash on the party and he hates me now!"

"SHUT UP, HIDAN!" The other masked being screamed.

"It talks!" The girl exclaimed.

Talking masked beings aside, Bikiru was getting annoyed. She has just sent her friend, Mary S- I mean, Keashi Aoimizu (Or whatEVER her last name is these days) two emails, but she is insecure about her writing skills. While these insecurities are actually quite justified, if she doesn't say something SOON, Bikiru plans to call her and order her to slap herself on the head with her own cell phone.

"Ha!" Bikiru called out to seemingly (probably) no one. "You gotta talk now bitch! You can't just let me insult your intelligence like that!"

"Bikiru-nii, don't give Mary Sue-baka a hard time!" Amaya glances at the blue(?)-haired girl hugging her knees and rocking gently in the corner of the room, whimpering, "Deidara-chan just told her that he'd be with Sasori-kun forever, and she's taking it a little bit too hard."

Meanwhile, Shinju had been spending her time poking Tobi (who was content with merely poking her back) and asking him random questions such as, "What's under your mask? Are you ugly? What's that green thing on your shoe? Is it edible?"

Tobi didn't spare a look toward his shoe and replied, "Why, yes it is, Shinju-chan. How about you try it?"

"NOOOOOO!!" The closet yelled.

Or, rather, someone in the closet yelled. No one had enough heart (certainly not Amaya) and decided to just let the poor soul stay there... Well, until it yelled, "PLEEEEEASE LET ME IN! I HAVE CAKE!! I HAVE CAAAAAAAAKE!!

Itachi, who happened to have the ability to sober up in mere seconds, was now sober and ran to the door, prepared to give the person in the closet a sound beating. He opened the door and, to everyone's surprise, it was not a closet, but a front door. They had all forgotten what room they were in.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"Shino."

"NIISAN!" Shinju screamed and tackled the teen.

"Shino... Shinju... Shiiiino... Shiiiinju...There's a connection here! I just know it!" But try as the conscience might, she couldn't figure it out. Poor, poor her. "Oh whatever. I want cake! Caaake!!"

For the name, there was actually no connection at all. Shinju just happened to start with the same three letter as Shino, though it meant pearl and Shino meant something about bugs.

Then again, they were brother and sister, so...

"Shinju-chan? How the hell did you get here?" The boy asked, disbelievingly, and everyone in the room (the three other girls that were here for the party) gasped.

Shino had never said so much in his life.

"OMGWTFIHH?!" Amaya screamed (oh my God, what the fuck is happening here?). "IT TALKS!!"

"The HORROR!" Bikiru shrieked (Not to be confused with "the WHORE!", which is what most people usually seem to think she says. Not that she ever corrects them.) "Shino being OOC! Impossibly implausible (Say that five times fast!)!!11"

After which she started falling down to her knees and praying (just in case Armageddon was taking place. I mean, all the signs were there! I mean Shino talking! That's like... Kisame not getting a hard whenever Itachi uses his Sharingan!)

Kisame looked up from once again claiming Itachi's face with his tongue and glared at Bikiru, "How the hell did you know I get a hard on whenever Itachi uses his Sharingan?"

"You do?" someone asked.

"You never notice the little tent in my pants? I mean big tent. Very big tent."

Amaya, thoroughly disgusted by the situation, pondered why most fanfic writers referred to a hard on in reasonably tight pants as a 'tent'. Well, she pondered it until she looked at the huge tent-like object between Kisame's legs. Then she understood perfectly.

So, because she didn't want to give herself a bad name (she thought Amaya did quite well), she preformed a simple jutsu that swapped her and Keashi's body, "OMG!! ITACHI, YOU'RE SOOOO UUUUUUUBER HAWTT!!" Inside, though, Amaya knew that Itachi would remain forever Kisame's (which he will until he dies, and he never will die, NEVER!!) and that it was complete and utter FOOLISHNESS to spell 'hot' that way.

Mariko, Shinju's huge, man-eating BEAST of a cat (to this she scowled HORRENDOUSLY), preformed a mind-reading jutsu and screamed, "DENIAL!!"

The white-haired girl commonly known as Amaya scowled at both the cat and the thought of her capitalizing every word that should have been italicized (or however the hell it's spelled).

She was beginning to wonder if she was bipolar, then remembered how bipolar Zetsu and Tobi were.

Her face was graced with a warm smile as she thought the very cutest thought that could float through a teenage, power-hungry, revenge-seeking MONSTER of a girl -

They evened each other out.

Everyone watched amazedly (even if that is a word, I declare it isn't, because I'm awesome like that) as all of those emotions flittered (seriously?) through her face and shone in her eyes (because eyes can tell you EVERYTHING about ANYTHING). Then she glared, and everyone went back to doing what they were doing (such as Kisame claiming Itachi's face with his tongue).

Switching back to her rightful body, because she felt that Keashi hadn't bathed in years, she began idle chitchat about where Konan had disappeared to.

"Maybe the Witless Protection Program?" Shinju asked casually.

"Don't you mean 'Witness'?" Since when had Konan actually witnessed a crime?

Amaya smacked herself in the forehead for actually THINKING that.

"Well, the witnesses can't have all the fun."

Bikiru thought back to her favorite cop shows. "Aren't witnesses the ones that are most likely to die... (well, next to the victims themselves...) you know, since they witnessed the crime?"

Oh yes. Very Fun. (At this point, something in my head wants to smack me and scream "You're too literal!")

Amaya growled, something she just figured out she could do, "SHOVE IT!"

Shinju smiled sweetly, far TOO sweetly, "But Amaya-kun (MUAHAHAHA!) if she shoved it, wouldn't it hurt tomorrow morning?"

Mariko smiled, a vicious, digusting, fang-filled, cat-like GRIN (so ebil!) and an aweful smell permeated the room, "Depends on where she'd shove it."

Kakuzu, having been conversing with the cat until now, "Are you drunk?"

The now topsy-turvy cat (now topsy-turvy becaus L just MADE her drunk!) laughed, "Depends what joo consider dwunk." Amaya wondeed what the hell L was doing here and why the cat had chosen to say 'joo' instead of 'you.'

It reminded her far too greatly of a certain Mary Sue.

Amaya spoke dramatically, "Please get Ms. Mary Sue to talk with us, Bikiru-nii. It might do her good. Or bad. Depends on whatever mood 'Tachi-horny's in."

Bikiru threw up her hands in exaggerated frustration. "I've tried everything! Yelling at her, begging annoyingly, insulting her -- the only thing I haven't done is ask nicely. And the day I do that is the day her name is not synonymous with Mary Sue! Can't we just settle for talking ABOUT her..? Reverse psychology and Using-smart-words-that-no-one-understands-to-make-someone-succumb-to-oneself psychology are the only psychology tricks I know! She's developed an immunity! IMMUNITY, I tell you!"

Then she popped a couch using her Satanic - I mean - Author powers, and fell dramatically into it, her hand against her forehead.

"I know a view types of psychology... Namely blackmail. HEEE!!" With this, Amaya went off to blackmail Keashi-baka by threatening to tell everyone in both classes about who she liked.

Bikiru gasped, falling (gracefully) out of the couch flat on her butt. "Keashi likes someone not on the internet! This is a new one!"

Okay seriously, though, Keashi! If you don't get out here right this second, your Sims game is going down the toilet! (Well, no, not the toilet, don't wanna clog it. The fire!- No... parents won't let me light it after last year's incident... I'll bite it! Yeah!) The narration stamps its foot for emphasis.

...

Are you even paying attention, you bitch?

Sigh, of course not. No one ever pays attention to the narration. They just read what's being said...

CHECK YOUR EMAIL, YOU MARY SUE!

Bikiru raised an eyebrow. "Oh damn. Is bipolar-ness contagious or something?"

"GAH!! NARRATION-SAMA!! Pwease make things make sense from now on! I'm sure all of my readers are going, 'what the fuck?'" Amaya whined, kicking Mariko in the stomach for emphasis. Only, she forgot that the stomach was where the tits were.

She was promptly mauled by an angry lioness.

"Anyway, Bikiru-nii, it's only contagious if you spend too much time with me. KISAME, STOP DOING THAT TO ITACHI'S FACE!"

"But it's fun!"

"HE NEEDS AIR!"

"Fine."

Tobi, who had recently left the room with a horny Zetsu, popped his head in for a few seconds, "What was he doing to 'Tachi-san?"

Shinju laughed, "Oh? Still moving, Tobi? I though Zetsu was horny."

Tobi grinned, "Tobi's not only into masochism."

At this, Hidan grinned and the rest of the people in the room shuddered.

Bikiru sighed. "I only have little of my innocence left. I'm clinging so desperately... goddamnit, are we out of alcohol already?"

She slumped on the floor and glared at Amaya. "And your readers have been going 'what the FUCK' ever since they read the first word of this story!"

"ONLY FOR THE MOST PART!" Amaya replied loudly. "Show her where the 'beer' is kept, Sasori-sama."

"The 'whisky' or the 'lager'?"

"The 'whisky'." Sasori flashed a wicked smile towards Bikiru and offered a hand.

The door slammed open, creating a very loud bang that echoed throughout the... the.. the whatever the Akatsuki base is. "Sorry I'm late!" A blue haired girl exclaimed, carrying a large bag over her shoulder, about to pass out. It was Aomizu Keashi, naturally being late like her former sensei always was.

"What the hell took you so long?" Amaya asked with a rolling of the eyes. "And so is that a mannequin in the corner?"

"Eh, took me forever to find these things, ran into Team Hebi, damn them to hell and beyond... The usual..." She rolled her eyes and dropped the sack on the floor, making another loud crash.

"WTF?" faces came for a few people... "WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THERE, BRICKS!?" Shinju screamed. She unravled the knots and plushies came pouring out. Oh, they weren't any normal plushies... they were plushies of everyone that they knew, including the Akatsuki, who, now, were poking the strange dolls with kunais and what not. (Narration omfg, Keashi, shut up, you suck!)

"Bikiru, Amaya!" Keashi threw a Garra and Itachi plushie to the both of them, while she grabbed her Deidara plushie and the blinding strings nearly snapped due to her hugging power...

Bikiru shrieked. "The Plushie Elf is NOT a myth! She SPEAKS!"

Itachi let out an unintelligible moan from under Kisame.

Bikiru shuddered as she decided to translate. "Itachi says, 'I find it disturbing that there is a wad of cotton and fabric molded into an unflattering mimic of me and widely distributed worldw -- Oh god Kisame, hurry up! Harder, dammit!'" After done translating, Bikiru sobbed, drunkenly, into the massive Gaara-Plushie-Chan's head. (Narration ...I want Itachi to be MY bitch! Or maybe Kisame as my seme?)

Curiousity peaked, Amaya looked over and screamed while trying to control herself by scolding Mary Bitch, "Keashi-baka, that barely made any sense, and it was all bunched up. Anyway, at least you're contributing."

Shinju wondered what Amaya had screamed at and decided she didn't want to know. Rather, she peeked in on Zetsu and Tobi, "Hey Tobi, doesn't that hurt?"

"LIKE A BITCH!"

Bikiru grinned wildly. "Well, no pain no gain, right, Zetsu-kun?"

"Words of wisdom," Zetsu agreed. "Suck it up, Tobi, suck up."

Amaya's eye twitched but she paid no attention to the perverted comments.

"Shinju, bring me Sasuke." She commanded, deciding the party was getting a bit too boring, what with Tobi drained, Zetsu nice and placid, Kisame and Itachi fucking on the couch, Pein drunk (she couldn't wait too see what happened to him next), Konan wallowing in self-pity, Sasori and Deidara Kami-knows-where, probably fucking, and Kakuzu and Hidan...

"DON'T FUCK ON STAGE, GODDAMNIT!!"

Shinju sighed, "What if I dun wanna go get Sasuke?"

"What if I dun wanna spare your life?"

With that, Shinju fled, and Kakuzu and Hidan stopped fucking on stage, opting for the room next to the one Zetsu and Tobi had occupied.

Bikiru shivered. The way the authoress summoned Sasuke through Shinju had her imagining five bulky guys thrusting open a 20-foot high door with a half-naked Sasuke in chains in their grasp, and throwing him at Amaya's feet. Only the half-naked and chains part really appealed to the OC.

And probably the part where Sasuke looks up with a determined glare, his forehead soaked with blood, which was also trickling out of his mouth and onto his firm, pale chest, which was heaving up and down as he breathed hard and sharp from the pain...

Okay. None of that. You like Gaara remember? He has a chest too. And a lotta blood. And sand. AND a tattoo. Made of blood AND sand. So stop.

Five minutes later, that was actually what was happening, only with a regular door and 4 bulky guys at Shinju's side.

They gave the chains to Shinju who handed them to Amaya who, smiling wickedly, said, "Sasuke-chan, meet Kisame."

As of that moment, it appeared that Itachi and Kisame were done fucking (Sasuke was gaping) and Kisame sat with his legs crossed on the spoiled couch, "Hehehe..."

Amaya threw Sasuke at him with amazingly cool strength and laughed like a DEMON!!, "Kisame, he's yours for the evening."

"Don't I get any say in who you're whoring my brother out to?" Itachi asked, pouting cutely (we can all assume he's drunk again.)

Shinju laughed, "Yeh just want him for yerself." We can all also assume that Shinju is now drunk.

Bikiru looked between the younger Uchiha and Kisame. Kisame was looking... sharky and Sasuke was looking horrified. She felt sorry for the poor, half-naked man.

Or maybe it was just the half-naked part.

"Don't you think Kisame's kinda tired?" Then as an afterthought, "And Sasuke's gotta be pretty tired too... I mean, he just came from Orochimaru's!"

Sasuke, while looking horrified, suddenly also looked insulted at the same time. "ME? Tired out! Absolutely not! If Naruto in demon form couldn't tire me out, then THIS certainly can't!" he waved a chained fist at Bikiru, then turned to Itachi with a burning glare. "Bastard, how the hell's your ass?"

Itachi smirked. "I won't be able to walk for two weeks."

Then Sasuke turned back with a confident glare. "Then I'll be incapacitated for THREE!"

Bikiru stared at the guy in shock. "I know you want to beat your brother and all... but by whoring yourself out? That's just... just..." Then she sighed. "Not surprising actually."

"Awwwwwww, little Koneko-kun is blushing!" Amaya cooed as the half-naked (she grinned at which half was the naked half) boy blushed, realizing what he had just said. "SHINJU"

Shinju, standing in front of the four tired and mutinous-looking men, replied, "Yes, master?"

"BRING ME NARUTO"

"Hey, I didn't mean that literally, it was just a joke!!"

"I don't give a fuck, get me Naruto?"

"Why?"

"You're going to base a fanfic off of the events."

Bikiru watched curiously as she waited for a half-naked Naruto to appear. After watching four episodes of Death Note, she was suddenly hungry. She summoned an apple (much like the one on the cover of the Twilight book) and occupied herself with it...

Then she glared down at it.

"Needs more alcohol."

While Amaya was getting more beer for Bikiru, Shinju appeared with Naruto. "WHY THE HELL AM I HERE, I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE A LITTLE GIRL FOR KAMI'S-"

"JASHIN'S!" Yelled Hidan from inside the room with Kakuzu. This was followed by a horrific scream and a moan.

"JASHIN'S SAKE, AND-... Oh, hey, Sasuke."

Sasuke, already getting felt up by Kisame, simply waved back and mouthed, 'HELP ME!'

_Inside Naruto's head._

"Rape him. Rape him. Rape-"

"I'M NOT GONNA RAPE SASUKE!!"

"Fine, let him rape you."

"I'M NOT GONNA-actually, that sounds quite nice."

"Can I rape you too?"

"You are me!"

"Is there a law against raping yourself?"

"Yeah, it's called suicide."

"Dear Kit, and I have no idea why the hell I call you that, I think you got your facts wrong."

"Bite me."

--CHOMP--

"OWCHIES!"

_Normal world._

Everyone just stared as Naruto screamed, "OWCHIES!"

Amaya stepped into the room with lots and lots of beer. The label on each the bottles read, "Happy juice! Suck it up!"

Naruto grabbed one, popped the top, and gulped it down, running over to sit on Sasori's lap, who just now magically appeared. Deidara was not to be seen though. "What do you want?"

"I figured Shinju-chan might make yeh fuck me."

"Erm, okay then, but I'm actually interested in Gaara."

"Isn't he your cousing?" (Narration Cousing is a weird way of saying cousin. Naruto is a weird way of saying ass-slut)

"GODDAMNIT, WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT?!"

"'Cause it's true? Where's Deidara anyway?"

_Elsewhere._

"ACK!!"

"Suck it up, bug-boy."

"IT TASTES LIKE SPIDER GUTS!!"

"How would you know?"

"..."

"Nevermind."

_Regularwhere._

"I have no idea. Why don't you ask Itachi? I bet he'd know."

Everyone looked at Itachi, who just happened to be asleep. Sasuke shuddered and jumped off of Kisame's lap to rescue Naru-chan, only to be dragged back by the chain that kept him prisoner. Y'know, kinda like a dog that forgets it has a leash?

Bikiru decided to have a random comment again.

"You know, I once saw a cop show or something where a little girl died by a rabid dog who went crazy because he got chained up too much."

Then she looked between Sasuke (who was trying to make his chains rusty and breakable with his tears) and Naruto, and she remembered Naruto's habit of transforming into little girls...

"Now I wonder what would happen if that girl decided to... bite...?" Bikiru immediately whipped out her (imaginary) IPhone and dialed Jiraiya's cell phone number (ignoring the fact that this era's most advanced form of communication is through birds).

"Hello? Oh, hey madam prostitute. Is Jiraiya there? Oh... he's info collecting? From you? Okay... give him a message for me, will you? Tell him a random girl whom he's never met has an idea for his... product. It involves chains. Oh? Okay, thank you. Yes, I'm sure it's fun over there. No, sorry, can't join you. No, my friends can't either. What? Of course I've never met the Akatsuki! Why, did he tell you to ask that? He DID? Well, tell him that I have never heard of any group called the Akatsuki, and am completely offended that he would accuse me of such blasphemy!" And with a huff, she hung up.

And turned back to the horny Akatsuki. "Continue."

Shinju, noticing the lack of narration about her brother, suddenly realized that he was gone, "I'LL SAVE YOU NIISAN!!" And promptly ran into a wall. Then, as if no wall had ever existed, she ran through it to where her 'kikai senses' were tingling.

Amaya pulled Naruto off of the stoic Sasori's lap and threw the chains over to Kisame, who grinned wholeheartedly, "There you go sharky-san, yeh get two slaves for the evening."

"C'mon, kids, let's get Itachi to our room and then I can show ya a little something."

"NARUTO!"

"Yes Amaya-sama?"

"Here's some beer."

Naruto grabbed the bottle. Now in canon, he'd probably be a little freaked out that someone trusted him with alcohol.

Instead, he sniffed it a little, looked at Sasuke, and noticed the lack of anything containing lubricant.

"I think I can use this."

"Ask your master if you can use the beer as lube." Amaya said sternly, backhanding the blond idiot for no apparent reason.

"Kisame-sama?"

"Fine, but it'll burn if yeh start bleeding." Kisame said, shrugging and picking up Itachi bridal-style.

"ACK, SOMEONE GET A CAMERA!!" The white-haired girl squealed while throwing Naruto against a wall for good measure.

Bikiru conjured a camera that was really cool and shiny that she could never afford (but a girl can dream, can't she?). "We can post it on youtube!! And this'll prove my brother wrong! NaruHina and SasuSaku my ass!"

"GAH, ARIGATOU BIKIRU-NII, I CAN'T FIND MINE!!"

Ding dong (no, not that way you pervs.

Amaya went to answer the door and called over her shoulder, "Was anyone here expecting any more guests?"

Everyone shook their head with a confused expression and Amaya called again, "Well, I was just wonderin' 'cause the Rookie 9's here, the Sand Siblings, and Team Gai."

She was promptly attacked/hugged by her teammate Lee and her sensei, Gai, "LEGGO OR I'M GIVIN' YEH WRINKLES!!" At once they both jumped off of her, muttering something about youth and she said, "Bikiru-nii, can you get the alcohol away from Lee-kun? Oh, and away from Mary Bitch, 'cause it migth set her off"

After shouting a few more random commands and ushering the 18 (let's pretend no one's dead!) people in, Sakura realized-  
"SASUKE-KUN!! DON'T WORRY, I'LL KILL THAT SHARK BASTARD AND DESTROY ITACHI!!"

Her head was promptly ripped off by an angry shark.

Okay, now that Pinky McBitch was gone, everything seemed happy and joyous, save the screams coming from the other rooms.

"Kies, Neji, get Hidan and Kakuzu, and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT WHAT YOU SEE IN THERE! Ino, heal Horny-nii and don't save Sasuke or Naruto. Erm... Shikamaru-kun, go get Zetsu and Tobi, and please don't faint if you see what's behind the mask. Kiba, go get Shino and Deidara, someone rescue Captain Emo and the flower princess, and SASORI WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF MY LAP!!"

"Oh, sorry, I didn't re-GAARA-CHAAAAAAAAN!!" And promptly ran over to give the panda-suit-wearing boy a huggle.

Bikiru rolled her eyes. "Damn Sakura-bashers," she muttered under her breath, but only could be bothered to dwell on that for a second as Sasori had just jumped into Gaara's arms.

Now, Bikiru was a rabid fangirl for Gaara, rest assured, but the one thing a girl liked more than the guy she loved was when the guy she loved had a guy she was indifferent about on his lap.

But maybe that was just optimism. Or insanity. I mean, the guy you love turning out to be a fag? How is that GOOD? It could sure get a lotta hits on youtube, though...

Anyway, she quickly digressed, and proceeded to distract Lee with a fake squirrel. "Yes... the squirrel loves you... get awaaay from the alcohol... the squirrel promises to give you its nuts... let gooo of the alcohol," she said in a hypnotic voice. "Nuts..." Then she trapped him in a cardboard box and then moved onto the next subject, Princess Mary Sue (PMS).

This time she grabbed Sakura's head (don't worry Sakura-lovers, it'll regenerate... Hopefully. This is a fanfic after all!) and made herself invisible (because Bikiru pwns like that), making the pink head seem to be floating.

Keashi whimpered in fear, but only held the alcohol closer to herself.

Bikiru turned on her Hypnotic-voice-thingy-tone. "Sakura's gonna get you, Keashi-baka... her head's mad at you... for calling her a 'flat-chested bitch'..." Finally she got close enough, un-invisible-ized herself, and swiped the alcohol from her grasp.

"Nanananana!" Bikiru sang. "That's what you get for judging people by the size of their breasts, you pervert!" And Bikiru (intelligently) drank the whole bottle in about half a minute.

Somehow she didn't get knocked out. "Why do birds... suddenly appear..." she sang woozily.

"Because birds make Jashin happy, and that's why there be lots of birdies." Amaya finished reading the story to Chouji, who had fallen asleep halfway through with a thumb in his mouth (AND THE OTHER IN HIS ASS, HAAAA)

The ninja she had sent out returned (she couldn't remember their names) and she thanked them with beer.

Yummy, light, fluffy cake-

I mean beer.

Yeah, beer.

Bikiru, who suddenly turned sober again, decided to randomly change the subject again (ah don't worry, I'm sure we'll get back to the beer subject again somehow.)

"I'm hungry. Who's up for pizza? Or rather, who's up for torturing the pizza delivery guy?"

Giggling evilly, Amaya nodded and called for pizza (with a magical bird that travels 900 times the speed of light).

(Well, that's about as realistic as... well pretty much everything in this story...) And it just so happened that the pizza boy had the exact same time of bird, so a millionth of a millisecond later, the doorbell rang.

Bikiru grinned maniacally and pulled out a tape recording labeled "Dora the Explorer!" and ran towards the door, but then stopped suddenly.

"Piiizzaaa's hee - What the hell? Orochimaru? Since when are you the pizza delivery guy?"

"Since the bad guy dollar started losing its value," Amaya stated calmly, taking out her magical turtle that took pictures and printed live-sized copies from its ass. Orochimichael Jackson being her favorite character in the show, she started taking pictures with her ass-printing turtle. Conveniently, the copies smelled like rabbits.

Shinju asked, "Shouldn't it be ryo?"

"NAH-AH!!"

And then proceeded to hug Orochimichael Jackson and take the pizza, which she discovered was not cheese (BECAUSE THAT IS THE HOLY FLAVOR) and chucked it down Zetsu's throat. She invited Orochimichael Jackson in and offered him beer.

Being, perhaps, the worst decision of her mortal life, she asked him to go check up on Kisame and SasuNaru while she sent her prettie birdie after another pizza guy.

Bird time later, the door rang and Neji opened it, screaming, "WHO THE HELL'S HE?! HE DUD'N HAVE UBER HAWTT NINJA SKIZLLZ LIKE WE'S DO!!"

Amaya promptly replied, "I think he's Light from Death Note."

"Ah, Raito-kun, nice of you to make it."

Everyone's head turned at breakneck speed (and a few actually did) to see Ryuga Hideki (SHHHH, it's RYUUZAKI!) standing in the back of the room with Tobi (who had escaped Zetsu's brutality) and Inuyasha, waving around Tetsusaiga.

"Pizza for-I THOUGHT I FUCKING KILLED YOU!!"

"That was Rem, Raito-kun, and yes, I am dead. So is Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, Kakuzu and Ita-"

"HELL NO ITACHI DIDN'T!!" Amaya screeched because it was true.

Itachi was-IS immortal.

Forever.

Bikiru let out a squeal, and decided to completely forget about Gaara (He was occupied with Kankurou's puppets anyway.)

"Omg (pronounced Oh-magee), Raaaiittoo!!"

"Oh fuck, It's Mi-" Light said turning around. "Oh, oops. Who're you?"

SPOILER ALERT!! (Narration Teehee!)

Bikiru ran up to the younger genius and hugged him. "Woohoo!"

Then she slapped him. "What the HELL is with the way you died? You start screaming your head off, and you let yourself get shot! I'm fucking ashamed! And all this time I was DEFENDING you!"

Light smirked to L- I mean Ryuz- I mean... WHATEVER! "I told you there's a Kira supporter in the real world out there somewhere."

BIkiru shook her head. "Oh no, I just like you. I hate Kira. Sounds like the name Kyra. And I like L- I mean Ryuz... I mean.. whatever-his-name-is, too. Oh, and by the way-"

SLAP! again.

"You killed him, you bastard! After he gave you a FOOT MASSAGE too!"

SPOILER END!! (Narration Aww...)

L - I mean... whatever smirked. "I win."

Bikiru smiled cruelly. "Actually, neither of you win. I don't know what in God's name gave you the courage to come here, but... look around, boys..."

Suddenly, the nerds - I mean, two geniuses (geni?) paled.

Light whimpered. "Please... no..."

Bikiru jumped gleefully. "I know I'm supposed to be the anti-insane one but, I've been infected. Sorry, Light and L. Now go to the Handcuff room."

Smiling evily, Amaya nodded and led them to the handcuff room (the one with the millions of hidden video cameras) and locked the door.

Back to Orochimichael Jackson.

"HEY ROCHI-CHAN!!"

"HEY MAYA-CHAN!!"

Idle chitchat ensued, and everyone in the room was left to the cake, soda and karaoke.

They were interrupted, however, by a fairly disturbing song, sung by Shikamaru.

"F is for friends who do 'stuff' together!  
U is you fuck meee!  
N is for anywhere at anytime at all down here in the deep white sea!"

Everyone clapped, saying it was the best fucking song they'd ever heard.

Shikamaru bowed and blew kisses. "I'd like to thank the little people..."

"Aww... I shoulda used that song for the Speech Meet," Bikiru whined.

"We sucked so bad..." Amaya whined back.

There was a resounding crash from one of the rooms and Hidan and Kakuzu came out, looking decent save for Hidan's limp.

Bikiru raised an eyebrow innocently. "You look tired, guys... have a seat."

Kakuzu sat down with a smug look on his face, while Hidan gave a flustered smile. "No thanks..."

Sighing heavily, Amaya slumped in her chair, "I think we have to end this soon. Gmail is lagging soooooooooooooooooo bad and I haven't copy/pasted the crap onto a document yet. I wonder how Mary-Bitch'll feel about how many times we've used the phrase 'Mary-Bitch."

Suddenly, Itachi woke up (because everyone wanted him AWAKE, GODDAMMET!) and Kisame walked out of the room, two barely dressed teens following him meekly. A closer look would reveal chains, but no one really wanted to look that close.

After a few moments of silence (and various other 'noises'), Shinju screamed, "Kisame! You can't put that, there!"

"JEEBUS CHLIST, Kisame, stop doing that to Itachi!" Amaya screamed. (Jeebus Chlist (Azn) - Jesus Christ (Engrish)  
Zetsu gaped and beside him, Tobi whispered to him, "Hana-koi, how'd he learn how to do that? I thought only you could!"

OMFG, NOW WE'RE ON THE PART WHERE IT'S ONLY AMAYA WRITING!!

"Huh, I left this document (I actually did copy/paste the damn thing! Took me fifty million years, though) alone so long I kinda forgot what was happening... time to reread it!"

Half an hour later...

"I FINISHED!!"

There was much applause and moaning. Uhm...

Yeah, let's just pretend there's no moaning.

"Okay guys, who's up for our favorite game, FUCK RANDOM PEOPLE!!"

A round of cheers and a few, "Fuck yeah!!"s were heard.

And then the story ended, cuz im tired and horny and, omfg, Editor-chan!! Heeeyyy, when did you get here? Aww, you're so cute when you're half-WHAT THE HELL, WHERE ARE YOUR LEGS? Tobi? TOBI! Eh, I'll kill him later, so Editor-chan, should I make my first-evar m-rated fic soon? I should? Okay, I will. Oooohh... there's a bunny up Itachi-nii's butt... Hey, where's Bikiru-nii go? WHY IS EVERYONE SUDDENLY MY OLDER SIBLING?!

Oh, OH!!

I forgot to tell everyone a very awesome secret!!

I wanted to see how dumb Karla really was (she's not that dumb, but I wanted to play a trick on her) and created a split personality - Sumi!

So Sumi's not real! Sumi's me!!

Her new username is Angel's First Reincarnation and mine is Elfin Moon.

SO TECHNICALLY I ALREADY HAFF WRITTEN AN M-RATED FIC!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!


	26. Death Note ftw

Hellur my friends!

I'm soooooo sorry that chapter 25 took so long!

I almost decided to abandon the story, BUT I DIDN'T!!

WAHAHAHAHA!! SELF-CONTROL!!

TAKE THAT YOU PUNKASS BITCHES!

Uhm... sorry for that outburst... yeah...

* * *

"What do you think it is?"

"I'm not sure..."

"What do you think it says on the front?"

"Well, a few letters are backwards and stuff, but I think it says 'Death Note'."

Itachi bent and picked the small black notebook up, and Kisame couldn't help noticing the Uchiha's ass through the coat. "What do you think it does?"

"I have no idea..." Kisame flashed a toothy smile, wrapping his arm around Itachi's waist, "If it doesn't help us kill people then it doesn't matter."

Itachi groaned and dropped it, opting for sex with his big, blue partner.

Meanwhile...

Ryuk crouched in the bushes near the two Akatsuki members, whispering angrily, "Damn stupid idiots..."

* * *

Nara : NEENJA RAPE!!

Editor : What?

Nara : I SAID NEENJA RAAAAAPPPEEEEE!!1!!111!!

Editor : ... Why are you spelling it that way? And what's with the ones? ...rape?

Nara : ...

Editor : Nara-hime? Are y-

Nara : It's rape with neenjas. I say neenja 'cause I'm azn.

Editor : Azn? You mean asian? Besides, you're not technically-

Nara : I'M PINOY, THAT'S CLOSE ENOUGH!!

Editor : Wait, is it pinoy or pinay?

Nara : ...kiss my ass.


End file.
